Dead Inside

 

 

“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgement, but has passed from death into life.”  John 5:24

 

Father, there are two retreats coming up in the next month. Lord, we ask for you to breathe life into all that has been dead in the lives of those coming to these retreats.  We ask for all that was dead to come to life.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

While on a visit to another country with Deeper Still, I saw a woman wearing a yellow hoodie with two words written on the back in bold letters.  The words were, “Dead Inside.”  It immediately caught my attention and broke my heart.  What does that mean, “Dead Inside?” Why would somewhere wear something with such a label?

Most of us would not wear a label declaring that we are dead inside.  But I wonder how many all around us, every day, are actually “dead inside.”  They may not wear the hoodie, but underneath their designer clothes and expensive makeup are hearts and bones crying for life.

I have a friend who described her abortion-wound as feeling like she was one “walking dead.”  I know this is popular TV show (I have to admit, I haven’t seen it.), but no matter if you like the TV show or not, we all know that “walking dead” is no way to live.

The Holy Spirit wants us to experience new life.  The Holy Spirit is in the business of restoration and renewing.

In Ezekiel 37: 11-14, we can read of the Lord’s restoration power:

“Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!… Behold, O my people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves and bring you into the land of Israel.  Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves.  I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land.  Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it.” 

 

This is a promise from the Lord not only for the Israelites, but for all of God’s people.  He doesn’t want His people being like the walking dead.  He has come to bring us life and life more abundantly.

 

If you are one feeling dry, without hope, and dead inside, today is a new day.  I have good news for you!

Jesus wants to breathe His Spirit on you and bring you new life.  He wants to restore all that was taken and renew a right spirit within you—one that is life giving and full of beauty.  

He doesn’t want us walking around with the label “Dead Inside.”  Take off your hoodie and put on the garment of His salvation, His robe of righteousness that declares, “I am a new creation.  I am alive in Christ!”

Please Talk About This

“Mercy, peace and love be multiplied to you.”  Jude 1:2

Father in Heaven, Lord, we ask for You to multiply the mercy, peace and love of Deeper Still.  We ask for you to expand Deeper Still.  We ask for You to multiply healing of those wounded from abortion to across the nation and the world.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sobs interrupted by gasps of air filled the car. 

We had just left a fundraising event for a local crisis pregnancy center.  The guest speaker was Pam Tebow.  The crowd listened intently as she shared her powerful testimony.  The doctors had encouraged her to abort her son due to health reasons.  She chose life.  As a result, Tim Tebow was born.  Tim Tebow is the famous football player once known for writing scripture under his eyes and his bold kneel for Christ. 

I left the event broken and desperate.  Sobbing all the way home in the car, I thought about the girl I had aborted that never had a chance to breathe her first breath of air.  That night I wondered the “what ifs” and the “what ifs” broke me. 

God had been leading me on a journey of healing my abortion wounded heart for the past 20 years and I have to admit, up until that night I thought I was fine.  I didn’t see the need to go any deeper.  I thought, “I’m good right where I am.”

However, that night my heart whispered more.  God spoke to me during the event and said, “It is time.  It is time to go deeper.”

Three weeks after that event, He led me to the Deeper Still ministry through a friend and I attended the Deeper Still Ministry training two months later.  God led me deeper and drastically changed my life.

A friend recently told me she was hesitant to share her abortion story at her Bible study group because she was concerned there were women there who were post-abortive and that it may cause them pain to hear the topic of abortion.  Our churches remain silent on the issue of abortion for many reasons, but I believe this is also one of the reasons pastors tend to shrink back from this topic.

Can I just say something about this reason for not talking about abortion?  We need to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when sharing about any topic, but perhaps hushing is hindering the Holy Spirit from doing a much needed work in people who need to hear the hard stuff.  God uses the hard to stir up in us a discontentment for the status quo and open our eyes to our need for Him to heal.  It is easy to ignore the pain when it has been numbed and dormant.

For true healing to occur, a person has to realize their need for a Doctor.  The pain surfacing awakens our need.  Then as Christine Caine has said, “We must embrace the pain of recovery.”

In any surgery, there is pain involved.  We can ignore the issues and pretend they aren’t there and deceive ourselves into believing they will just go away or we can let the Surgeon do His surgery and embrace the pain of recovery.  After the surgery and recovery are over, we can be healthy and whole!  But, we have to know we need surgery and be willing to undergo the hard in order to be healed.

When churches, pastors and leaders decide to not talk about abortion because it might “upset someone” or because “It is a sensative issue”, they are denying that there is an infection in the body of Christ.  If Pam Tebow wouldn’t have talked about abortion that night, I wouldn’t have seen my need for deeper healing.  It is only when we are faced with our pain, that we realize how much we need the Surgeon.

The pain of recovery is temporal.  The pain of denial is infinite.

If you are a church pastor or leader, please talk about this issue.  Please let your people know there is healing and freedom.  In doing so, you are multiplying the healing of His wounded.  God is a God of mercy, peace and love.

God is multiplying His mercy, peace and love.  Thank you for joining us in prayer as He multiplies His Kingdom.

Protecting Your Healing

 “Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Phillipians 1:6

Father God, we praise you for your goodness. Your love that covers us is as no other.  We ask that you would continue the work that you have done in us. Reveal to us things that are hidden in the darkness of our hearts. Massage our hearts and make them tender toward the things that are of you. Ignite a fire in our spirit that will bring forth the passion that you set in us. May you be glorified in all that we do. We again praise you, Jesus. Amen.

Today’s post is written by Tracey Enloe, a Deeper Still Atlanta Team Member.  Deeper Still Atlanta just had their first retreat this month.  We are hearing many praises about all the Lord did there!  Thank you Tracey for sharing with us today.

After leaving a weekend of seeking God and giving Him areas of my heart that were still in darkness, I felt free. The chains, that had bound me over time, fell off. Before coming that weekend I had been intentional in seeking healing in all areas of my life, not just abortion. Over time, the enemy caught a snag in my life and rebound me again. Healing is a journey–one that must be continuously sought by going forward in Christ.

As life goes forward, our enemy will look for areas in our life to re-bind us. It is paramount that we hold the line of healing and not give back ground to the enemy.  The chains may look the same, but not always. He wants to keep us bound, and he doesn’t care how as long as we are rendered ineffective.  The Lord has given us all power and authority in the name of Jesus and we are not victims that must just surrender to the lies the enemy plants as he attempts to draw us back into bondage.  It is important that we learn to recognize the signs the enemy is trying to re-bind us and hold the line of freedom.

Negative thoughts; feelings of helplessness, despair, and discouragement; attacks of depression, anxiety or a feeling of heaviness; or insomnia are all symptomatic that the enemy is moving to regain ground in our lives.

When we learn to recognize when the enemy is trying to come in to steal, kill, and destroy the healing God has given to us, are better able to stand guard and resist him.  And when we resist him, he will flee.  The Lord has made provision in His word to protect the healing we have received as we hold onto the promises we have in Jesus.  The Holy Spirit will shed light on the areas of our lives that need attention. Our relationship with the Lord will be our safeguard as we put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-13).

We must not hide in the lie that our healing journey is over. For when we have resolved ourselves to that thought, we reject more healing, and more freedom in Christ.

It is in the seeking that we truly finding healing. Do not be discouraged by your struggles; count them as joy. Because God will always show up!_~Tracey Enloe

When the Rooster Crows

 

 

“Immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed.  And the Lord turned and looked at Peter.  Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He has said to him, ‘Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.  So Peter went out and wept bitterly.” Luke 22:60b-62

 

Father, thank you that you are faithful even when we falter.  Thank you for your “wake up” calls as you look to us with compassion in your eyes and we realize how far we have fallen.  Thank you that even our deepest failures and regrets don’t disqualify us from ministry, but rather usher in an awareness of our humanity and dependence on you.  We are desperate for you. We need you.  Let your rooster crow in the heavenlies and wake your people to your calling.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

In the Chinese culture, this year is the “Year of the Rooster.”  For those of you who have been following us, you know we have a love for China. When I heard it was the “Year of the Rooster”, I decided to ask the Lord about the Rooster and if it signified anything.  Here is what I felt I heard in my spirit:

A rooster signals a wake-up call.  It is symbolic of a new day, a new morning, a sunrise (Sonrise) and with it light expanding across the horizons.  This year is a year of waking up, a new day, new beginnings, new hope. 

The Lord is calling forth His people–those who have been asleep to awake.

When Peter denied the Lord three times, it was a rooster who “woke” him up to the truth.

Perhaps we don’t deny the Lord verbally, but in our actions or thinking–compromising what is true.

We go from being on fire for the Lord willing to cut someone’s ear off to being wishy-washy in our convictions and justifying actions.   Then…a rooster crows.  The Holy Spirit is creative in getting our attention.

This isn’t the post I thought I’d write today about the rooster.  I have many fun stories about roosters.  After the Lord gave me the word about the rooster being a wake-up call, He began showing off by showing me roosters nearly everywhere I went—for real.

This post could have been about how the Lord gives confirmation after confirmations when He is inclined to be sure you know you’ve heard from Him—this is true.

Or about the waking up of a generation or culture to the reality of His truth and the hope of a new day.  I do believe the Lord is saying that as well.  Wake up.  It is a new day.  There is new hope!

But this post is about our humanity and the Lord’s eagerness to forgive.  Our failures don’t disqualify us.  If you had an abortion, it doesn’t disqualify you.  If you compromised today and denied your Lord by a wrong choice that seems to pale in comparison to abortion—there is forgiveness, hope and a new day.

If your love has grown cold or life has beaten your faith to a pulp causing the sin of unbelief to fester and choke out your joy and passion, today may be a day to hear the rooster.

Hear the rooster say it’s a new day, the sun (Son) is rising on the horizon.  Sorrow may have lasted for a night and that night season seemed long, but it is a new morning with the Light of the world shining bright crowing in a new hope.  This year is a year of waking up, a new day, new beginnings, new hope.

The Lord is calling forth His people–those who have been asleep to awake.  It is time to awake to the truth.  It is time to hear the rooster.

 

He Redeems Even the Day

“He provided redemption for His people; He ordained His covenant forever—holy and awesome is His name.”  Psalm 111:9

Father, thank you that when You provided redemption, Jesus did not just pay in part, but in whole.  Thank you for redeeming even the day and providing hope for those hurting from the day of their abortion.  We ask for You to redeem the day and change what was full of death into a day of life.  We ask for all things to be made new—even the day.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

A friend recently told me of someone she knows who every year on the anniversary day of her abortion is stricken with sadness, grief and unbearable sorrow over her choice.  This friend has the date in her calendar as a reminder to call this beloved girl to provide a comforting voice. 

This is all too real and common.  We all have birthdays we celebrate.  The lack of a birthdate for one created to live is unnatural and it leaves an aching hole in the heart of those living with abortion-wounds. The anniversary date of the day chosen to end the life of their child—it is almost too much to bear.

But Jesus.  

The blood of Jesus is not limited to redeeming one’s sins or health.  The blood of Jesus seeps into every pore and every aching crevice, filling and completing the healing until all is restored—even the day. 

Today, Emily Donels graciously shares her story of how the Lord redeemed the day for her.  Thank you Emily for sharing the Lord’s redemption power in your life.

April 27^th used to be a day I dreaded.  I was so gripped in knots the entire month that I didn’t feel I could breath again until May. 

In the earlier years of my healing journey with my abortion-wounded heart, I would try to do something that I felt honored the daughter I aborted.  From planting flowers in my flowerbed on that day, to placing a plaque on the wall of the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, TN, to just driving down to the memorial so I would have a safe place I felt like I could mourn.

It wasn’t until after my own Deeper Still retreat that I felt the Lord truly redeem April 28^th for me.  I finally believed my Heavenly Father had reconciled my relationship with my daughter, Hannah.  That day went from me feeling I needed to atone that day to just being in sweet remembrance of my daughter that day.  Twenty years to that exact day, I was serving on the Deeper Still Spring Retreat team and I was assigned to lead the sharing time during the memorial service.  I opened up by sharing that I couldn’t imagine any better way to honor my precious Hannah than by being there with each of them (the participants) and telling them how proud I was to be Hannah’s mom and that I longed for the day to meet her face to face.

The following year, the Lord put it on my heart to return to the abortion clinic for the first time in 21 years to the date.  I was joined there by my sisters and brothers in Christ to pray a prayer of repentance to cleanse and heal the land.  That day I left a bundle of flowers representing life in honor of Hannah’s life.  God not only redeemed me, He redeemed the day. – Emily Donels

Emily is a team member on the Deeper Still team and served at the Deeper Still retreat last weekend, with part of the weekend on her anniversary date again.  What a glorious Lord we serve!  May all those who came last weekend, experience full and complete freedom.  May they experience more and more freedom and the fullness of redemption in Him—even the day. 

Rooted in Righeousness

“They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”  Isaiah 61:3

Father, may all who attend the Deeper Still retreat receive this truth.  May Your healing rain soak into the soil of their hearts and they would hear You call them oaks of righteousness, a glorious display of Your splendor. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Seventeen years ago, toward the beginning of my healing journey, I saw Isaiah 61:3 for the first time.

“They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”  Isaiah 61:3

My heart sank.  How I longed to be a display of His splendor. I was in a healing Bible study for women who have had an abortion. With my head down and heart hopeful, I shared my desire to be a display of His splendor. 

“Oh, how I want this to be true. I so want to be a display of His splendor.” 

The Bible study leader looked me straight in the eyes and with a voice full of grace and gentleness, declared, “You already are.” 

Even the thought brings tears now.  Is there any goal higher?  Is there any achievement that could out pass this mark?  Yet, it is reached not by striving or climbing or pursuit.  This goal is reached by grace and grace alone.  Our God has declared in His all powerful Word, You already are a display of My splendor.

Righteousness is not something we obtain or earn.  Righteous is something we are by the paid price of the blood of Jesus Christ. 

An oak tree is a strong tree planted and rooted securely in soil.  The oak is a common symbol of strength and endurance. Oaks are not easily blown down.  They stand tall and firm in the ground in which they are planted. 

As oaks of righteousness, we are planted securely in God’s love and the soil of His inheritance.  Our righteous standing is unmovable by the winds of worry or woeful sin.  Our righteousness is rooted firmly in the Lord’s never ending grace.

May all the participants coming to the retreat this coming weekend receive this truth.  May they hear the invitation and calling.  May they know they are called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.   

Feeling Unworthy in the Upper Room

“And he arose and came to his father.  But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.  And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet…for this my son was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.  And they began to be merry.”  Luke 15: 20-21

Lord Father, we pray for those who feel unworthy due to the sin of abortion to find healing, freedom and truth.  Lord, thank you that you never run from our need but instead, you run to us and embrace our need.  Lord, we pray for those with abortion-wounded hearts to rise and come to you and receive their robe of righteousness and ring of worthiness in the Son.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Above the library in the church was a quaint meeting room like an after-thought finishing of an attic-an upper room.   The ceiling angled to a point, stretching as if it begged to reach heaven.  It felt comfortable and safe.  Every Sunday, our Sunday School class would meet there.  An elder couple led the group of couples ranging in age from early 20s just married to mid-thirties with kids.  I was in the early 20s group and had recently given my life to Jesus.  Feelings of unworthiness haunted me in spite of the comfortable and safe upper room.  “What if they knew?” My thoughts tormented me.   Then one day I couldn’t take anymore.  I don’t remember the question but my heart was pounding like if I didn’t answer it would burst out of my chest.  In between sobs, my words cascaded like a waterfall dammed up and then let loose.  Darkness clouded my vision, my sight blurry from tears and eyes partly shut.  It was as if part of me rationalized if I can’t see them, they won’t see me.  Maybe they won’t truly see me.

All I could say is, “Jesus has saved me from so much.  I’m not the same person I once was.  I’m ashamed of who I was and I fear you wouldn’t like me if you knew what I have done.  I don’t feel worthy to be in this class or with all you wonderful people.  You all seem like you have known Jesus forever.   I’m afraid I’m not good enough to be here.”

After exposing my heart and fears to this group of about 20 young married couples, I’m not sure what I expected.  Perhaps I was looking for a “Me too” or  “I understand.  I’ve been where you are and you are not alone.”  I’m not sure they knew how to respond to all that raw pent up emotion breaking loose.  Then the bell rang and I sat, slightly unsure of my next move.   Maybe I was alone.   Then one girl responded.  She was a new friend.  I didn’t really have Christian friends yet, but she was becoming a friend.  She responded— the only one.

She walked up to my chair.  It was a moment forever etched in my mind.  Instead of running from my need, she embraced it.  Her words were ones of invitation.  She wanted to know me.  She wasn’t afraid of my brokenness.  She saw me, truly saw me and decided I was worth knowing.    And we are still close friends today, nearly 19 years after that initial invitation in the upper room.

Feelings of unworthiness are common for men and women who have experienced abortion.  Feelings of being less-than cause those with abortion-wounded hearts to choose less- than.

My friend knew something I didn’t know at that point in my life—Jesus didn’t see me as less-than.  Jesus doesn’t see me as less-than.  Jesus sees those with abortion-wounded hearts as in need of a healer.  He doesn’t run from the need.  In contrary, He embraces the need.  He embraces you.  He invites you.  He isn’t afraid of your brokenness.  He truly sees you and decided a long time ago you are worth knowing.  You are not alone.  You are never alone and never have been alone.  Your healer delights in you and desires a close friendship with you.  Jesus is just waiting for you to respond to the invitation in the upper room.

If you have had an abortion and have struggled with feelings of unworthiness or feeling less-than, you can go to www.godeeperstill.org to find out how to register for a retreat.  This is your invitation from the One who responds to your every need.

Feeling Unworthy in the Upper Room

“And he arose and came to his father.  But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.  And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet…for this my son was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.  And they began to be merry.”  Luke 15: 20-21

Lord Father, we pray for those who feel unworthy due to the sin of abortion to find healing, freedom and truth.  Lord, thank you that you never run from our need but instead, you run to us and embrace our need.  Lord, we pray for those with abortion-wounded hearts to rise and come to you and receive their robe of righteousness and ring of worthiness in the Son.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Above the library in the church was a quaint meeting room like an after-thought finishing of an attic-an upper room.   The ceiling angled to a point, stretching as if it begged to reach heaven.  It felt comfortable and safe.  Every Sunday, our Sunday School class would meet there.  An elder couple led the group of couples ranging in age from early 20’s just married to mid-thirties with kids.  I was in the early 20’s group and had recently given my life to Jesus.  Feelings of unworthiness haunted me in spite of the comfortable and safe upper room.  “What if they knew?” My thoughts tormented me.  

Then one day I couldn’t take anymore.  I don’t remember the question but my heart was pounding like if I didn’t answer it would burst out of my chest.  In between sobs, my words cascaded like a waterfall dammed up and then let loose.  Darkness clouded my vision, my sight blurry from tears and eyes partly shut.  It was as if part of me rationalized if I can’t see them, they won’t see me.  Maybe they won’t truly see me. 

All I could say is, “Jesus has saved me from so much.  I’m not the same person I once was.  I’m ashamed of who I was and I fear you wouldn’t like me if you knew what I have done.  I don’t feel worthy to be in this class or with all you wonderful people.  You all seem like you have known Jesus forever.   I’m afraid I’m not good enough to be here.” 

After exposing my heart and fears to this group of about 20 young married couples, I’m not sure what I expected.  Perhaps I was looking for a “Me too” or  “I understand.  I’ve been where you are and you are not alone.”  I’m not sure they knew how to respond to all that raw pent up emotion breaking loose.  Then the bell rang and I sat, slightly unsure of my next move.   Maybe I was alone.   Then one girl responded.  She was a new friend.  I didn’t really have Christian friends yet, but she was becoming a friend.  She responded— the only one.

She walked up to my chair.  It was a moment forever etched in my mind.  Instead of running from my need, she embraced it.  Her words were ones of invitation.  She wanted to know me.  She wasn’t afraid of my brokenness.  She saw me, truly saw me and decided I was worth knowing.  Isn’t that the longing of every human heart–for someone to decide you are worth knowing? And we are still close friends today, nearly 19 years after that initial invitation in the upper room.

Feelings of unworthiness are common for men and women who have experienced abortion.  Feelings of being less-than cause those with abortion-wounded hearts to choose less-than. 

My friend knew something I didn’t know at that point in my life—Jesus didn’t see me as less-than. 

Jesus doesn’t see me as less-than.  Jesus sees those with abortion-wounded hearts as in need of a healer.  He doesn’t run from the need.  In contrary, He embraces the need.  He embraces you.  He invites you.  He isn’t afraid of your brokenness.  He truly sees you and decided a long time ago you are worth knowing.  You are not alone.  You are never alone and never have been alone.  Your healer delights in you and desires a close friendship with you.  Jesus is just waiting for you to respond to the invitation in the upper room.

If you have had an abortion and have struggled with feelings of unworthiness or feeling less-than, you can go to www.godeeperstill.org to find out how to register for a retreat.  This is your invitation from the One who responds to your every need.

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Men Have Abortion-Wounded Hearts Too

Please share this post today to bring an awareness that men can be wounded by abortion and also need healing. 

“But Peter and those with him were heavy with sleep; and when they were fully awake, they saw His glory and the two men who stood with Him.”  Luke 9: 32

Father, we know there are men out there who have been sleeping.  There are men with abortion-wounded hearts who we need to arise from their slumber and see Your glory.  Father, we ask for you to awaken this nation to the truth that abortion is not just a women issue, but it affects the hearts of fathers as well.  We ask for an awareness that many men were never given a choice on if their children lived.  Lord, comfort those who grieve the loss of their children and bring them healing.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

There was an article published a couple months ago that mentioned how abortion affects not only women but also the men who encouraged the abortion.  While this is true, there was no mention of those men who didn’t encourage the abortion.  My heart is pained for anyone who has been affected by abortion, but when I read this article, I immediately thought of those men who were never given a choice or never had a voice.  There are many men who may have aborted children in heaven and will never know until the day they enter eternity. 

My friend, Jason, is a man who as mentioned above never had a choice.  Today, I asked him if I could share his story to awaken an awareness of truth.  Thank you, Jason, for sharing your story.

   

I had two major giants I’d been avoiding for many years. I’m going to share about one of them with you. He told me that in order to be used by Him the way that He intended my heart had to be whole. It started with facing the giant called Abortion.

I was with someone over 20 years ago who aborted two of my children. I wanted to keep each one of them but she felt very differently. I left town the night before she had the first abortion. I went out into the woods and camped. The morning she had the first abortion, at the exact time of her appointment, I stood by the river, looking out over the water and heard this voice say to me, “You’re damned. God has damned you”. I felt a part of me die that day.

She aborted my second child just a few months later and again I felt as if I was damned.  Over the years since then, I struggled with addiction, anxiety, shame, anger, and health issues. I had trouble looking people in the eyes.

Eventually, I rededicated my life to the Lord and had forgiven the mother of those children and myself, at least so I thought. I had prayed prayers of forgiveness, but deep down the disgust, the anger, the embarrassment, the rejection, and shame remained. I didn’t acknowledge the lives of those two precious children. I didn’t want to. I tried to pretend many times over that they never happened. I denied them over and over. I lived with this weight, this secret for over 20 years.

…Until I went up the mountain to the retreat site.  It’s not easy going up the mountain. It never is.  I was tempted to turn around, to give in to a ‘last minute something happened so I can’t make it’, or to back out of the cabin parking lot and drive away.

And that’s what I almost did. But then that I heard the Holy Spirit so gently say, “You can do this. You have to do this. I will be with you every step of the way. Nothing is impossible for me. It is for freedom that I have set you free.”

I pulled into the parking lot and I was immediately greeted by the smiling faces of the Deeper Still team.   I parked my car, got out (still afraid), and then Clay said “Hey”, and totally disarmed me. I immediately felt the love of God and knew right then that it was going to be ok.

Well, it turns out that it was better than ok. To put it simply, the retreat was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  I was finally able to share my secret in a safe place and as the retreat progressed, the weight that I had carried with me for so long, began to lighten until it finally left once and for all. I experienced the true love of Jesus, deeper healing and a peace that I had never known before. I knew that I was not damned – I was loved and accepted, forgiven. Strongholds were broken that weekend. In one of the most touching segments of the retreat, I was finally able to embrace and acknowledge my two children, Ethan and Savannah. They became real to me.  I know they’re ok. They’re waiting for me and one day I will hold them in my arms and kiss their beautiful faces.

Deeper Still is one of the most incredible and anointed ministries I’ve been around. The love, spirit and organization of this ministry are like none other I’ve experienced.  The need for this ministry cannot be understated. 

I went up the mountain, a grasshopper. I came down the mountain a giant killer, a new creation in Christ. You see, I slayed one of my giants that weekend. The anxiety, shame, and anger I carried up the mountain were no longer there. The parts of me that died over 20 years ago were brought back to life. I felt a wholeness like never before. I got back the freedom to look people in the eyes, and the voice I lost was restored. It gave me the strength to face my other giant, which I’m in the process of doing now.

The stories the other men shared were amazing. Watching the progression of their restoration was healing and invigorating. Men, this ministry and the retreat is not for women only. There are men reading this who have been with someone who had an abortion, or perhaps you know a man who has gone through this. You may be forgiven, and you may have acknowledged the abortion to your pastor. But I want to encourage you to go deeper still. You have what it takes. Slay your giant. -Jason

If you fathered a child who was aborted, there is a safe place for you to go to find healing and freedom.  There are two spots left for men for the April retreat.  It is April 28-30.  You can go to www.godeeperstill.org for more information and to register.  Men, we need you.  We need you to be a voice for the voiceless.  Will you awake and see His glory?  His glory awaits you!

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Why I Love White Crosses: My Journey From Anger to Love

 

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”  Jeremiah 1:5

These past weeks have been historically significant regarding pro-life and the national March for Life was last weekend. Spring isn’t quite here in East Tennessee, but with all these happenings, there is a sense of new life emerging.  The atmosphere feels like a new day, a revolution of life bursting forth. However, there may be some whose pain has been awakened along with the revolution.  I understand your pain and there is hope.  Today, I want to share a story of a Spring in my life that was filled with pain and death.  The Lord healed me another Spring day, in April 2013 at my Deeper Still Retreat many years later…

The dogwood trees were blooming, shouting new life for all who passed. Squirrels scurried up and down the trees gathering nuts. The white blossoms sprinkled the blanket of emerald grass on the quad of my college campus. Many times I had traveled this path. Many days and hours were spent on this grass studying for a test or reading an assignment. 

  

But this day was different. This day as I walked home from a college class, the warm sun was reflected by the white flowers on the ground almost masking the larger cloud of white up ahead. I drew closer, the blurred image cleared and became a vision forever imprinted in my mind.

White Crosses. 

This was my first encounter with the crosses after my abortion.  As I walked up, I wondered what the crosses represented.  A sign was posted…

“Each cross represents the death of 1 million babies aborted.” 

 

Anger rose from the depths of my soul–an anger hidden and buried. 

Spring was exploding with life, but all I saw was death.

Beside the white crosses, a sweet young college student stood handing out brochures. This brave young girl was taking a stand for life.  But I didn’t see her as brave or sweet.  Wounded eyes clouded my vision.  A soul filled with brokenness, depression, and void of hope was my processing filter.  Those crosses uprooted the wounds of my heart, my abortion-wounded heart.   

My thoughts raced, “How dare they put up those crosses!  How dare they make a marker for a grave that was never dug!  How dare they make this statement proclaiming with abortion there would be one dead, in need of a tombstone, in need of a white cross. Don’t they know!  Don’t they know the pain this causes?  Don’t they care?  They don’t know what I have been through.  They don’t understand my pain.” 

The anger buried beneath the surface erupted like a carbonated beverage shook too hard and then abruptly opened.  All the pain pent up deep inside was unleased on that poor sweet girl.  Then I ran back to my college dorm.  Crying. Broken. Wounded.  Depressed. Hopeless.  

This outward manifestation was but a glimpse of the hemorrhaging happening on the inside, a cutting of my own affliction.  Those white crosses on a field of green sprinkled with white flowers revealed the anger and pain in me and my need for the Cross of Jesus, the only one who could heal my wounds and free me from the tormenting chains of shame, guilt, and anger.  

January 22 was Sanctity of Life Sunday.  Perhaps on your path over the last few weeks, you came across white crosses or other symbols of life.

Before I went to my Deeper Still retreat and received a deeper healing, the sight of white crosses made me cringe.  However, the white crosses no longer bring me pain. Now all I see is beauty. The white crosses are beautiful, lovely, and honoring.

Above are written some of my thoughts that spring day, “They don’t know what I have been through.  They don’t understand my pain.”

When we receive healing, it is then that we can begin to take our eyes off ourselves and our need for healing and begin to see the bigger picture and honor the children lost.  It becomes not about our pain any longer, but about a person—a person deserving of honor. 

Talking about abortion, the crosses, standing for life and sharing abortion testimonies will bring up pain in the abortion-wounded.  What I want others to understand is this tension is not bad.  In contrary, this is good.  We need to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when sharing about any topic, but perhaps hushing is hindering the Holy Spirit from doing a much needed work in people who need to hear the hard stuff.  God uses the hard to stir up a discontentment for the status quo and open eyes to our need for Him to heal.  It is easy to ignore the pain when it has been numbed and dormant.

The pain of recovery is temporal.  The pain of denial is infinite.

The crosses not only contribute to the revealing of the need for healing but also honor those deserving of honor. The crosses represent a life created in the image of God cut too short.  As a church body, we need to acknowledge those most vulnerable.  As a society, we need to acknowledge the loss suffered and offer healing.  These are not just crosses, they are lives and we honor them. 

Father, we praise you and give you thanks for all you are doing in our nation to bring others the truth about life.  We thank you for servant leaders who will listen to your voice and stand for life. Your word says, “I bring before you life and death.”  The choice you give is simple.  From what we say to the actions we choose daily, we choose life or death.  I pray we would be a nation and a people that continually chooses life and honors life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.