I No Longer Hate My Story

A few years ago I wrote a post entitled, I Hate My Story. I encourage you to read it. I read it again before I wrote this and it brought good tears to my eyes. It is about “forgiving God”.

For years I hated my story. Recently, a friend sent me a link to a new book called, When You Don’t Like Your Story by Sharon Jaynes. I haven’t read it, but it does sound good. When she sent it, I thought, “You know what, I don’t like my story and I doubt I ever will, but I don’t hate my story any longer.” I was so thankful for this prompt that revealed this new truth to me.

Earlier that same day I had sat with two people at different times as they shared very hard personal things happening in their lives. I was so thankful to be able to sit with these precious women and love on them.  As I contemplated this, I became thankful for my story. I am not glad about the decisions I made and if I had a do over, I would happily change a few scenes. But I no longer hate it.  Because of my story I have the capacity to sit in messy complicated places with others fully in grace—without judgement. It is a beautiful thing to be able to sit with someone and pour out grace after they have been rejected and shamed by others.

Our hard messy stories expand our capacity to walk in grace.

I now trust the Lord more than I ever have before. I have my abortion story, which I have told countless times now (I remember when God called me to tell it and how fearful I was). But that is only a part of my story. A lot of life has happened since I was in college—27 years of life (yikes, I just kind of told my age). Our life is made up of more than a single event. There is so much I could share and perhaps one day I will. But what I do know through it all is that my God continues to show up again and again and He is faithful. And the things the enemy may have meant for evil or to cause harm, the Lord continues to turn around and say, “No, this isn’t meant for harm, but it is meant for good and to take you into deeper relationship and deeper trust in Me.”

I still hate the sin. I hate that I won’t see my daughter lost to abortion until I get to heaven. I hate that I caused pain to people I love. I hate that others caused pain. Just like Jesus, I hate the sin, but I don’t hate the story. He is in the story.

Jesus hates sin and sin was the catalyst to the greatest story—the story of redemption. It is because of His story, that we can be ok with our story. He’s ok with our story—after all He approved the final edit.

He never approves of sin but we have free will and we have choices. What He does approve of is what He will turn around from it if we give Him the story and let Him finish it. It takes courage to turn our story over to Him for the final edits. We often think we can write a better story.

Will you listen to the Lord today? If you were like me and hate your story, He has something He wants to say:

My beloved daughter/son, will you give it to me? Will you give me your heartache, your pain, your suffering? Will you trust me with the final edits? Will you trust me to finish the story? Will you let go and surrender trusting in my goodness? I am trustworthy. Do you believe me? I know how hard this has been and the road you are walking seems too difficult, steep, and treacherous for you. I won’t let you fall. Hold my hand. I’m holding onto you. I always have been. I see you. I know you hate your story, but that is only because you haven’t seen the ending. Let me write the ending for you. Let me lead you. The things on this path will lead you to a beautiful place full of joy and acceptance and glory. You already see the fruit of the steps you’ve taken with me. Keep walking with me as I weave a beautiful story of redemption, grace, and mercy. The final edit will be worth it.

Dear Heavenly Father, we place all the beauty, pain, heartache, wrong choices, every part of our story in your hands. We trust your ever faithful fingers to hold on tightly as we let go and let you write the rest of the story. Lord, may none of it be wasted. Use it all for your glory, every page, every word. We trust every stroke of your heavenly pen dipped in the blood of Jesus Christ to turn our mess into a beautiful story of redemption and grace. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Shame and Worthiness

“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called.” Ephesians 4:1

Funny how an event that happened early in our formative years can have lasting impact. Words have power, and shame showered on us from others leave us wet with a belief system rooted in falsehoods.

It is important to note that much of the shame we carry isn’t founded in truth. Shame has to do with identity, and the enemy wants nothing more than for us to be weighted wet with shame. Perhaps that is where the expression “like a wet blanket” was formed. Shame is a robber, stealing energy, calling, and confidence.

Shame places us outside of our identity in Christ and who we are as the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, fully in right standing with our Creator God.

And we need to cast off that wet mess and tell it to go.

A couple years ago, I remember a specific time when feelings of unworthiness flooded my mind drowning out the truth of my worthiness being in Christ alone. This happened right before I served on a ministry team.

How often I had prayed the verse in Ephesians 4:1, “That I would walk worthy of the calling to which I was called.” Somehow though I never felt worthy no matter how straight I walked.

Sharing with a trusted friend how I felt unworthy, he questioned, “Have you done something or sinned that would make you feel unworthy?” In all sincerity, I couldn’t think of anything specific. It was just a general feeling of being less-than.

Over the last many months, the Lord has been showing me the root of this lie and how shame put on me by others in my youth led to social anxiety, low self-esteem, and fears of rejection.  However, I now am seeing how this “less-than” or “not enough” feeling is no more than a ghost, not based on truth.

In the light of truth, shame loses power, dries up, and fear withers.

The Lord gave me a different interpretation of Ephesians 4:1, as He has told me to “Walk in my worthiness.” –that our worthiness is founded on right standing in Christ, and not based on what we do or don’t do.  Our best works are as filthy rags compared to His glory. Most women who have had abortions feel unworthy. Our works do not impact our worthiness.

Instead of wearing a wet blanket of shame, we are clothed in a robe of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). This is the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Today, will you throw off the old shame garment, and allow Jesus to place a beautiful clean white light robe on you?

Father, we thank You for Your Word and Your Truth. Today, we choose to cast off shame and allow You to place Your robe of righteousness on us. Help us to walk in our worthiness and believe these truths of who You say we are in Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Worthy of Healing

 

“Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.” Matthew 9:2b

Father, thank you that you forgive our sins.  Thank you that you are not a God who gives retribution for our sins.  Rather you come with mercy, grace and outstretched arms ready and willing to not only forgive, but also heal and set us on the path of an abundant life full of purpose.  Father, I pray for those with abortion wounded hearts to receive your forgiveness, healing, and then they would stand and walk in the fullness of life and purpose in Your Kingdom.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

In Matthew Chapter  9, we find a man who was paralyzed.  When Jesus walked by him, He surprisingly said to the man, “Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.”

Jesus knew the thoughts and desires of this man’s heart.  I have wondered before why Jesus didn’t first heal the man.  He was paralyzed.  Surely the man wanted to walk more than anything.  And I’ve heard sermons in the past that have stated that Jesus forgave the sins of the man to make a point to the Pharisees present.  Our God is a great multi-tasker, so proving a point to the Pharisees and religious leaders was probably an added benefit no doubt.  However, I believe Jesus, in telling this man his sins were forgiven, gave this man the deepest desire of his heart.

Culturally, it was common in the Bible times for people to assume an illness or affliction was a consequence of a sin.  This man possibly had been carrying the burden that he must have sinned in a horrific way to be cursed with this paralyzing disease.  I can visualize this man lying on his bed day after day in agony, crying out, asking for forgiveness, tormented that he must not be worthy of forgiveness, that his sins were too great.

Then Jesus.

Then Jesus walks by and says the words this man has been waiting perhaps years to hear—You are forgiven.  And then, Jesus said, “Arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.”

It is significant that Jesus first said His sins are forgiven.  It is possible this man needed to know His sins were forgiven in order to receive the healing Jesus wanted to give him.  If Jesus would have just walked by and said, “Arise and walk,” but the man didn’t believe his sins were forgiven, feelings of unworthiness could have hindered healing.

We see this paradox play out regularly with those with abortion wounds.  Forgiveness and healing are not the same.  Many times men and women with abortion-wounded hearts will not feel worthy of healing because they do not truly believe they are forgiven.  Negative situations in life or fear of retribution hang overhead like a cloud in a Peanut cartoon.  Or a person with an abortion wound may self-sabotage blessings due to not truly believing they deserve life more abundantly.

But Jesus walks by and says, “Be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.”  But that’s not all.  Like a trusty infomercial, He says, “Wait, there’s more!”  Not only are your sins forgiven you, but also You can now walk!  He says, “Arise, take up your bed and go.”

He has a good plan to for you.  He has a purpose for you to pursue.

“God doesn’t just free you from something, but also to something.” –Karen Ellison

This kind of love is beyond compare and comprehension. His mercy and grace are unmeasurable.  He has a good plan for you.  Receive forgiveness, then arise, stand and walk in the fullness of all God has for you.

Author:  Sue Molitor, Deeper Still Team Member

I Can’t Forgive Myself

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”  Romans 8:1-2

Father, we give you thanks that because of the paid blood of Jesus Christ, we can live free.  We thank you that not only do you forgive us of all our sins but that because of Jesus we are not only able to forgive others but also ourselves.  There is no condemnation to those who are in you.  We give you praise and glory in Jesus’ Name.  Amen. 

The other night my ten-year-old daughter and I were having a devotional time as we do before bed each night.  The devotional was on forgiveness.  She said something I didn’t expect her to say.  She confessed that she believes God forgives her of her sin but that sometimes she has a hard time forgiving herself.  She confided that even after asking God to forgive her, she often will beat herself up over and over again after she has made a mistake and sinned.

 

I have to admit, I have been guilty of that as well at times.  However, I do not believe it pleases the Lord in any way when we refuse to forgive ourselves of the sins Jesus suffered and died on the cross to forgive and cleanse.  In fact, it grieves Him. 

Another Deeper Still Team member, Carla Martin, said the Lord revealed to her one day that she was often living like His Word said, “There is now ‘not nearly so much’ condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  However, the Lord pointed out to Carla that is not what He said.  He said there is “no” condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  No.  Not any. None.

The Lord has clearly said that if we do not forgive others, He cannot forgive us. (Matt 6:15, Matt 6:14)  What about ourselves?  Does it apply to us?  

Jesus paid a dear price.  Is it not selfish of us and even prideful to not receive the gift that cost Him His life?  He willingly and lovingly paid it.  It is a gift for us to receive.  This is how I explained this to my daughter. 

 

What if I had a gift I wanted to give her.  This gift had cost me greatly and I had gone to much trouble to get it for her, because I loved her.   I was very excited about her having this gift.  My love for her is the reason I put forth all the effort to purchase this gift for her.   But what if when I went to give it to her, she expressed she didn’t deserve such a gift and refused to take it? Or just took part of it, but not the whole gift.  How would that make me feel?  Would I be happy she didn’t feel she deserved such a gift or sad that my daughter refused to accept the gift I desperately wanted to give her?

I hear often of women who have had abortions and the men who father those children saying that they believe God has forgiven them but they cannot forgive themselves.   These women and men do not feel worthy of forgiveness.  They do not feel they deserve the gift the Lord wants to give them.  I understand.  I use to feel that way and sometimes I know I don’t receive forgiveness as quickly as the Lord would like me to receive it. 

If you are someone who has had an abortion or has trouble forgiving yourself for other sins, this is not to condemn you.  Lord have mercy.  Not in anyway.  That would be the exact opposite of the reason for this post.  What I do hope is that you will give yourself permission to forgive yourself.  And if you are not sure how to do that, to ask the Lord to help you forgive yourself.  He wants you to receive ALL He has for you.  He wants you to receive the full gift He has for you!  He is beyond excited to give it to you!  For those of you who struggle with this, I would love to pray for you personally.  I will post a prayer below but if you leave a comment, I will also pray for you specifically in a reply. 

God loves you so much and it is His desire for all of us to live in the fullness of Him and without any condemnation, completely free of guilt or shame.  You are forgiven.  You are His. 

Father, I pray for those reading today who have had a hard time forgiving themselves.  They believe You have forgiven them, but do not feel that they can forgive themselves.  Father, I pray they would receive the fullness of the gift you have for them today.  Help them live fully free in You.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

He Redeems Even the Day

“He provided redemption for His people; He ordained His covenant forever—holy and awesome is His name.”  Psalm 111:9

Father, thank you that when You provided redemption, Jesus did not just pay in part, but in whole.  Thank you for redeeming even the day and providing hope for those hurting from the day of their abortion.  We ask for You to redeem the day and change what was full of death into a day of life.  We ask for all things to be made new—even the day.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

A friend recently told me of someone she knows who every year on the anniversary day of her abortion is stricken with sadness, grief and unbearable sorrow over her choice.  This friend has the date in her calendar as a reminder to call this beloved girl to provide a comforting voice. 

This is all too real and common.  We all have birthdays we celebrate.  The lack of a birthdate for one created to live is unnatural and it leaves an aching hole in the heart of those living with abortion-wounds. The anniversary date of the day chosen to end the life of their child—it is almost too much to bear.

But Jesus.  

The blood of Jesus is not limited to redeeming one’s sins or health.  The blood of Jesus seeps into every pore and every aching crevice, filling and completing the healing until all is restored—even the day. 

Today, Emily Donels graciously shares her story of how the Lord redeemed the day for her.  Thank you Emily for sharing the Lord’s redemption power in your life.

April 27^th used to be a day I dreaded.  I was so gripped in knots the entire month that I didn’t feel I could breath again until May. 

In the earlier years of my healing journey with my abortion-wounded heart, I would try to do something that I felt honored the daughter I aborted.  From planting flowers in my flowerbed on that day, to placing a plaque on the wall of the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, TN, to just driving down to the memorial so I would have a safe place I felt like I could mourn.

It wasn’t until after my own Deeper Still retreat that I felt the Lord truly redeem April 28^th for me.  I finally believed my Heavenly Father had reconciled my relationship with my daughter, Hannah.  That day went from me feeling I needed to atone that day to just being in sweet remembrance of my daughter that day.  Twenty years to that exact day, I was serving on the Deeper Still Spring Retreat team and I was assigned to lead the sharing time during the memorial service.  I opened up by sharing that I couldn’t imagine any better way to honor my precious Hannah than by being there with each of them (the participants) and telling them how proud I was to be Hannah’s mom and that I longed for the day to meet her face to face.

The following year, the Lord put it on my heart to return to the abortion clinic for the first time in 21 years to the date.  I was joined there by my sisters and brothers in Christ to pray a prayer of repentance to cleanse and heal the land.  That day I left a bundle of flowers representing life in honor of Hannah’s life.  God not only redeemed me, He redeemed the day. – Emily Donels

Emily is a team member on the Deeper Still team and served at the Deeper Still retreat last weekend, with part of the weekend on her anniversary date again.  What a glorious Lord we serve!  May all those who came last weekend, experience full and complete freedom.  May they experience more and more freedom and the fullness of redemption in Him—even the day. 

Rooted in Righeousness

“They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”  Isaiah 61:3

Father, may all who attend the Deeper Still retreat receive this truth.  May Your healing rain soak into the soil of their hearts and they would hear You call them oaks of righteousness, a glorious display of Your splendor. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Seventeen years ago, toward the beginning of my healing journey, I saw Isaiah 61:3 for the first time.

“They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”  Isaiah 61:3

My heart sank.  How I longed to be a display of His splendor. I was in a healing Bible study for women who have had an abortion. With my head down and heart hopeful, I shared my desire to be a display of His splendor. 

“Oh, how I want this to be true. I so want to be a display of His splendor.” 

The Bible study leader looked me straight in the eyes and with a voice full of grace and gentleness, declared, “You already are.” 

Even the thought brings tears now.  Is there any goal higher?  Is there any achievement that could out pass this mark?  Yet, it is reached not by striving or climbing or pursuit.  This goal is reached by grace and grace alone.  Our God has declared in His all powerful Word, You already are a display of My splendor.

Righteousness is not something we obtain or earn.  Righteous is something we are by the paid price of the blood of Jesus Christ. 

An oak tree is a strong tree planted and rooted securely in soil.  The oak is a common symbol of strength and endurance. Oaks are not easily blown down.  They stand tall and firm in the ground in which they are planted. 

As oaks of righteousness, we are planted securely in God’s love and the soil of His inheritance.  Our righteous standing is unmovable by the winds of worry or woeful sin.  Our righteousness is rooted firmly in the Lord’s never ending grace.

May all the participants coming to the retreat this coming weekend receive this truth.  May they hear the invitation and calling.  May they know they are called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.   

Come to the Table {Prayer for Spring Retreat}

“So David said to him, ‘Do not fear, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your father’s sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your grandfather; and you shall eat bread at my table continually.’” 2 Samuel 9:7

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for you to prepare the participants of Deeper Still to come to the table with open hearts.  I pray they would choose you and be willing and ready to come to the table and feast on all your goodness and receive all you have for them.   In Jesus’ name, Amen.

We had a situation last night with one of our children which led to this child feeling as if eating alone was what was deserved rather than at the table with the rest of the family.  Minutes before this child had expressed feeling unworthy of anything good.  We gently encouraged this child to come to the table and eat with us.  We affirmed worthiness, love, and grace.  With tear filled eyes, this child stayed at the table, embracing our love and acceptance.  Once again realizing, nothing can separate this child from our love.  We want all our children at our table. 

Our Heavenly Father wants ALL His children at His table. 

In 2 Samuel 9, we find the story of Mephibosheth.  In this story, King David asked his servant if there was anyone of the house of Saul left for him to bless.  He was told of the son of Jonathan, Mephibosheth, who lived in Lo Debar.  Jonathan had been King Saul’s son and David’s best friend.  Jonathan and David loved each other and made a covenant with each other to care for each other’s households.  It had been over twenty years since Jonathan and King Saul had died in battle.  David had forgotten about the covenant until that day. 

When King David found Mephibosheth, he did not feel worthy to sit at the king’s table.  He said to David, “What is your servant that you should look upon a dead dog as I?” Mephibosheth saw himself as a “dead dog”.   It says in the passage that Mephibosheth was lame in both his feet, which happened when he was a young boy and his servant carried him and dropped him while fleeing from the palace after King Saul and Jonathan died.  Mephibosheth was living in Lo Debar, a place where all the outcasts of society lived. Then one day David remembered the covenant he had with Jonathan and everything changed for Mephibosheth.  Not only was he seated at the King’s table, the land of his father was restored to him as well.

Those with abortion-wounded hearts often feel like “dead dogs”, unworthy to sit at the King’s table.  They may see themselves as lame.  However, that is not the truth.  That is not their identity.  The truth is Jesus Christ made us whole. Their true identity is that of a son or daughter of the King, fully welcome at His table to feast on His blessings, goodness and grace. 

God has made a covenant, a new covenant with his sons and daughters and wants them to reclaim their seats at His table! And He not only desires His children at His table with Him, He also wants to restore all that was stolen.  The covenant we have with our Father through the blood of Jesus Christ does not restore only part of our inheritance, but all.  He paid so ALL could be restored.  We just need to be willing to come to the table.  

Please pray for our participants coming next weekend to come with open hearts, ready to receive all the Lord has for them at His table.  www.godeeperstill.org

With a Nature Like Ours

“The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”  James 5:16

Father, we thank you that the fervent prayers of the righteous avail much.  We thank you for hearing the prayers of Deeper Still and answering.   We ask for you to meet every need of Deeper Still in 2015 and to do above and beyond all we can think or imagine in setting the abortion wounded free.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Someone recently shared with me how she was praying for something but didn’t think her prayers would be heard because of the verse above.   She went on to explain that she was not righteous.  She had a sinful past, so how could her prayers be effective based on the verse above. 

Perhaps you have held a similar thought before.  If so, may you find freedom in what I also shared with her.

I first asked if she was still living in the sin or if it was in the past, just to clarify.  She answered that it was in the past and that she had asked for forgiveness. 

Habitual sin does hinder our prayers and separates us from the Father (1 Peter 3:7).  But, as soon as we go to Jesus, confess our sins and turn away from them, we are in right relationship again.   If you happen to be reading this and know there is an area of unconfessed habitual sin in your life, confess it, renounce it and cast it off (Acts 3:19-20). 

My prayer is for you to understand your position in Christ and the power you hold in Him.  Your righteousness has nothing to do with you.  It has everything to do with Jesus.  Because of the blood of Jesus, you have been made righteous (2 Cor 5:21). 

If you are in Christ, there isn’t one thing more you can do to be more righteous than you are at this very moment. 

And your prayers are heard and answered not because of who you are, but because of who He is. 

In the next verse, James 5:17-18, it says, “Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain for three years and six months.  And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth produced its fruit.”

Elijah was a man with a nature like ours.

Elijah is often viewed as some sort of super hero because of the miracles God performed through him.  However, he was just a man.  In fact, he was just a man with a nature like ours, a sinful nature like ours.  He struggled with sin just like we do.  He had a flesh just like we do, and his prayers were powerful and effective. 

There is a reason God put the example of Elijah following James 5:16.  And there is a reason the Lord pointed out that Elijah had a nature like ours.  Friends, your prayers are just as powerful and effective.  Yes, Elijah was amazing, but he was also just a man.

Your righteousness has nothing to do with you and everything to do with God.   He has already made you righteous through the blood of Jesus.  There is not one man more righteous than you.  Not Billy Graham.  Not your pastor.  Not sister so-and-so on the prayer team at church.  You are righteous and your prayers are effective and avail much.