Waiting on the Lord…

“Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like Eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord to wait.” Isaiah 40:31

As a mother, we want the very best for our children, especially their “yes” in receiving our Lord and Savior into their hearts. My youngest child was certainly not wanting anything to do with following Christ. She was driven by past trauma to stay away from anything Jesus.

In July 2019, she had something happen to her that caused her to sink further into a state of depression that medicine couldn’t help. Only Jesus could be the answer for her devastated heart. She was searching and involved in everything but Him. It was reeking havoc in our home.

I had been praying for her salvation for several years. But now, I was praying for her life. See, she wanted to die. This situation, for me, gave a whole new meaning to waiting on the Lord.

One night in particular, I felt I was in the middle of a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. I went into my “shecave” and was crying like a baby, a ocean of tears were pouring out. I cried out to God saying, “Where are you? I have nothing left to pray. Please give me a scripture, something, anything to give me hope.” All I could say was His name, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” I heard Him say, “Psalms 46.” I scrambled for His Word in desperation, hungry for what He had to tell me concerning this situation.

Psalms 46:1 states, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” I was sure knee deep in trouble and needed strength only He can give. I continued to read and there it was verse 10, “Be still, and know that I am God.” He was telling me, “Wait on Me, I am God. I will deliver.”

Have you been waiting on the Lord to answer you concerning something you specifically want from Him? In our fast pace culture we want everything handed to us right now. We do not like to wait. I know I don’t! Patience is not a virtue I tend to have. We get impatient and forge ahead of God like we are in a race. By the time we have done all we can do and not seeing an answer, we become exasperated, as I was.

When we feel He isn’t answering us quick enough, we start out by fussing to our Heavenly Father, which eventually turns into us having a full blown toddler fit! I know I was having a tantrum that day. I felt I was kicking and screaming to get His attention.

He listens so patiently, then lovingly says, “Wait on Me; Be of good courage, I will strengthen your heart; Wait, I say wait on Me!” Psalm 27:14. In this particular verse, He tells us three times to wait. In the last sentence, He reiterated twice, He knows something we don’t. He most definitely can handle it on His own and so much better than we can. I tend to get in His way.

So instead of getting all bent out of shape, frustrated, beside ourselves with worry, anxiety, and anger, what lesson can be learned? I learned to trust Him and believe His word. I had staked a claim over my family. “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15b. I had to trust that He would bring this to pass.

I drew closer in the waiting. I prayed harder than I believe I ever have for someone or something. All I needed to do was rest in the bosom of Jesus, clinging to Him in the waiting. I decided (even though I could still get in worry mom mode) to rest in His loving arms.

We know He works things to our good, so why fret. I was doing my best to not get in God’s way or be fretful. I know He is faithful and trustworthy, so I laid her at His feet, waiting on Him. (So very hard to do for this control freak).

In July, 2020, my precious daughter gave her “Yes” to Jesus. Now this momma was shouting Hallelujah from the mountain tops. Her life changed that day. My dear friends let me tell you she is on fire for God. She has been at YWAM, a discipleship training school for the last 3 months. She will be going to Tanzania in July of this year for 6 weeks on a missions trip.

See God knew something I didn’t. He knew just how to draw her to Him and He did just that. Of course it wasn’t on my time frame, but His. His timing is perfect. So be encouraged in the waiting…..

Lord Jesus, help us, while in the waiting, to trust You, to draw closer to you, knowing you are in control. Teach us Lord to wait on You because Your timing is perfect. Amen

Taking Off My Armor

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” Ephesians 6:11

In 1 Samuel 17:38-39, we find a story of David about to face Goliath. It says this:

“Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off.”

In the story of David and Goliath, David chose to take off the armor that Saul insisted would protect him. If David would have left on the armor that didn’t suit him, it would have hindered his ability to throw and he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish the mission God assigned him to do. Wearing armor we were not meant to wear will hinder who God created us to be.

David chose to take off the armor and trust that His God would protect him as he had faithfully done in the past. This choice of trusting God to protect rather than choosing self-protection led not only David to triumph, but also blessed all the Kingdom.

We were never meant to wear such heavy armor. We were meant to wear God’s armor of protection, not of our own making.

There have been times I have tried to protect myself with an armor that was unsuitable for me. Only this armor isn’t made of metal or steel and it isn’t visible with the naked eye, but it is heavy, nonetheless. Out of fear, there have been times, I have chosen to create a fortified wall that is hard to penetrate, but also heavy to carry around.

I doubt I’m the only one. If you are breathing air, you most likely have been hurt by another human being. These hurts when continuous over time can cause us to decide God must not be protecting us and so I must protect myself. What we don’t realize is the lie this is and the sin it invokes—sin of esteeming ourselves higher than others. Ouch. Yes, I realize that is a hard claim, but I am putting myself in there as well and I have done this and it is wrong and damaging to not only ourselves, but to the body of Christ.

The issue is that not only do these walls of armor protect, they also unwittingly keep us bound. This armor also keeps us from giving the gift of our true self to others, who desperately need what God has put inside of us–we all need the gifts God has entrusted in each other.

Ephesians 6:11 says, “Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” It is hard to wear two suits of armor, and only one really protects, the other is only hindering our ability to walk.

Friends, I am taking my armor off and I’m asking if you would be willing to do the same. We need each other and we need the gifts in you. We need to know you and we need your loving beautiful heart fully out there pumping in full blown capacity, not suited up and hindered by cumbersome metal.

Perhaps you want so badly to take off your armor, but fear clinches and it seems too risky. Today, we want to pray with you and together, let’s ask the Lord to help take off the armor and for the walls to come tumbling down. Maybe you need to forgive someone or many. Not everyone is trustworthy, but I promise you there are people God will bring into your life who are safe. God will protect you. Even when it seemed like He missed it, He never has left you and He will protect you.

Will you take a breath with me and then take off one piece of armor at a time, casting it all away as David did, trusting the Lord to go with Him. When you do, not only will you be victorious, but so will the Kingdom as you are free to be who God made you to be.

Your heart is too beautiful to be hidden by metal and surrounded by armor. The world needs your beautiful heart unhindered, beating and loving.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for protecting me. Thank you that I have your armor, the armor of God, so I do not need to make my own armor or try to wear things that will only hinder my walk with you and others in the body of Christ. Lord, I forgive those who have hurt me and trust you to protect. Lord, I thank you that in you I live fully free, loving others, and trusting you. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Held in the New Year

“Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself.” Ephesians 1:4

The time had finally come … 6:00 PM. The occasion I embarrassingly longed for most of the day due to lack of energy … Baby’s BEDTIME. God Himself has blessed me with one of the sweetest human beings on this planet, but today, Mama was tired. My husband and I did our normal nightly routine with her; change her diaper, fill up her humidifier, brush the two teeth, and prayers to Jesus. By this time, she is usually getting the rest of her wiggles out as I begin to lay her in the crib. Tonight was different. Tonight, instead of wiggles, I was welcomed with snuggles. And I’m talking, calm, nestled in your neck – baby snuggles. I felt an intense wave of calm come over me as I spoke words from my heart straight into her little ear. As I held her against my chest, I was overwhelmed with intense love and a sneak peak into the powerful type of love our Father, God in Heaven, must feel about us; His children.

I often liken being a parent to walking around with your heart outside of your chest (as I’m sure many others do). In this moment, holding my one-year-old daughter, I couldn’t help but see a glimpse of His heart for us. We run around in our daily lives, busy and usually with lists and lists of things we “need” to do. Running around like wiggly toddlers who can’t seem to sit still long enough to get into the presence of a holy and loving Father. The Father who just wants to hug us so tight, arms wrapped – heart to heart, whispering His love for us into our little ears.

Held. Deeply loved.

Ephesians 1:4 tells us, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, (Emphasis Added). This just blows my mind. He CHOSE us before the foundation of the world, He PREDESTINED US TO ADOPTION. He LOVES us with a FATHER’S love. Not as a distant creator. But here. Immanuel…God with us.

I am so thankful for His grace and that unlike my own imperfections and shortcomings as a parent, He has none. Jesus Christ is never tired, wishing it were our bedtime so He could finally rest. The Holy Spirit is always there, praying and working on our behalf (Romans 8:26).

As we draw near the end of 2020, our eyes closed on a year past as we snuggle into the new year, may we humble ourselves like children (Matthew 18:4) and wrap our arms around our Father. His arms are ready and willing to embrace his precious children with a love so deep, nothing on this earth can compare.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for choosing us to be your children. Thank you for saving us from sin and death and welcoming us into your family, to live with you for all of eternity. Thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to dwell within us, to pray for us and to lead us. Lord, please help us to crave a deep and personal relationship with you and if there are any who are reading this that ache at the thought of a loving father, please restore their hearts. Please help them to see you with Heavenly perspective, untainted by the sins of the world; a perfect love. I pray all of this in Jesus’ precious name, Amen.

Hope is a Person

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.” Romans 15:13

One of my favorite things about Christmas is seeing all the lights…a reminder that the Light of the world is among us.

This week for the first time in 800 years, the Christmas star (actually 2 planets), as seen by the Wise Men, was out on display for the world to see. It was beautiful! Just like it is in paintings trumpeting as David proclaimed in Psalm 19, “The heavens declare the glory of God”! A light in the darkness, shouting joy, peace, and goodwill towards men! A glimmer of hope in the dark of the world. Amazing!

God is a God of hope and He will remind us of His presence with us.

He speaks in a variety of ways, through stars, through lights, and even Christmas ornaments. My favorite ornaments have a reserved seat front and center on my Christmas tree. The lights reflect off the ornaments, as a reminder of His glory. These special VIP ornaments are comprised of baby pictures, wedding ornaments, and a beautiful pure white cross boldly proclaiming the word “Hope”.

This Christmas in particular, the cross displaying the word hope needed to be in the center, and it is what I see every time I look at the tree…focusing on truth, the truth of hope reflected by His light.

Romans 15:13 is a verse that has been a steady reminder that God is a God of hope, with a promise of joy and peace as I trust in Him. The problem is I don’t always trust in Him. And when I don’t, hope fades along with the joy and peace promised.

How do we, as believers, after all we are “believers”, believe? How do we trust and believe that God is who He says He is and He is trustworthy?

Hope takes faith. Loss is all around us and in our homes in close heart wrenching ways. If you personally are not grieving, most likely, someone you know is grieving in some way.

Holidays stir up all kinds of emotions. For many, family dynamics or lack of family are a cause of disillusionment. And this year, many cannot be with family for reasons that seem altogether unfair.

I want to, as your friend, encourage you to allow yourself to grieve. Take a breath. Sit. Inhale and recognize and acknowledge your pain. Then, I want to ask you to go one more step in faith. Faith steps toward hope. Look to your side. See you are not alone. Hope is a Person. And Hope sits with you. Look at the Person of Hope and tell Him your pain and then trust Him with it. Exhale as you give Him your pain in faith and trust. Now look to your other side. Someone else is hurting. Someone else is suffering the same. Step in faith toward that person, bringing Hope as a carrier of the presence of Christ, His light to others.  

He is in you…the God of hope.

Hope is a Person, who came in the form of a baby as a Savior to the lost, hurting, and broken. He is the Light in the darkness and He is found in us, and with us. He is right with us, more bright and more beautiful than the star, and not millions of miles away. Right here…Immanuel.  Jesus, we need you. God of hope, come and fill us will all joy and peace as we trust in you. In Your precious and glorious name Jesus, we pray. Amen.

MERRY CHRISTMAS BELOVED!!!

Sitting with Jesus {Guest Post}

Today’s post is written by Becky Crenshaw, a dear blogger and speaker friend.  This post is from a series written by Becky on Advent.  Thank you Becky for sharing with us today! 

“…who seated herself at the Lord’s feet.” Luke 10:39

I love all versions of Scripture. Nothing thrills me more than to take one passage and compare it across multiple spectrums of translations. But my FAVORITE always trends towards the Amplified Bible. There is something so exhaustive in nature about this version. With a “double-clicking”, if you will, of each word, it takes a 3-D look into a passage in a way that resonates with me deeply.

That being said, the Amplified version of this little phrase just melts me.

Mary “seated herself at the Lord’s feet.” Mmmmm. What do you notice? What does this look like? Can you picture it?

Mary made a choice. Jesus didn’t ask her to sit down. Mary saw an opportunity and took it. “If that is where Jesus is, then that is where I want to be, too.”

And where did she sit? Well, where a disciple sits, of course. At Jesus’ feet. Mary took her appointed place as a student of her Lord, making every effort to learn from her teacher.

And let’s just talk about feet for a second. We know that the Mary’s of the Bible were all about His feet, right? Just back in Luke 7 we see Mary (arguably by scholars our same Mary of Bethany) break open a very expensive Alabaster Jar of perfume to anoint his dusty feet. So whether it is the same Mary or not, the picture is still the same. Being at the feet of Jesus is a picture of worship, learning and humility.

So, sweet reader, how on earth does this translate to us in current day, Christmas rush, smart phone age, media indulgent America?

The answer is still the same. “Mary seated HERSELF.”

The choice is the “how.” Jesus is the choice we can make over and again. We can choose our place of worship, humility and learning every moment of every day. Emmanuel, God is with us, all day long.

We don’t have to wait for a surprise supper with Jesus. The Omnipresent is as much with you as He is with me – if we acknowledge Him or not.

LET’S SEAT OURSELVES by choice today and all Advent long.

Choosing What Is Better:

• I am sure you have heard the coined phrase “Treat. Yo. Self.” at least once before!… As a believer, I encourage you to “Seat. Yo. Self.” (Couldn’t resist.). What does “seating yourself” look like today? (For example: grabbing your journal and writing out a prayer…. reading through a few Psalms and meditating on the meaning…. shutting off all the noise and sitting quietly – acknowledging God’s presence.)
• The word Disciple by definition means “a follower or student of a teacher.” Have you ever really thought of yourself as a student of Jesus? Well, as Christians that is exactly what we are! Students of our Lord. If you have never viewed yourself as such, how does this change your approach to Him? What do student’s of Jesus do? What do you need to learn from your teacher today? Write out your responses to these questions in your journal.
• What hinders you from seating yourself at Jesus’ Feet? What obstacles stand in the way of you seeing yourself as a student? Take this to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you overcome these hindrances.

Becky Crenshaw and her husband, Brent, live in Tennessee with their three, football-crazed and energetic boys.  Three children of which a doctor said she would never have. After losing her mother to cancer, Becky now has the great honor of caring for her 92-year-old grandmother, Ethel.

Brent and Becky served on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ at the University of Tennessee for nine years, discipling college students and sharing the Gospel across campus. They are currently ministering to a new demographic in their city.  Brent serves as the Young Adult Pastor of their church, where they lead pre-marriage classes and help post-graduates plug into community with others their own age and grow in their own relationship with Christ.

To read more posts from Becky, you can visit her blog site at www.beckycrenshaw.com

Heavenly Perspective

There was a tug of war going on in my soul the morning after the election. I woke up and knew I needed to pray before checking my phone to see the “results”. I tried to go about my normal routine before I went ahead and looked up the decision of the American people. Much to, I’m sure, everyone’s chagrin, still no certainty on who would be the next President. I could feel literal heaviness begin to overwhelm me as I sat in the uncertainty of an earthly circumstance. My mind began to wander over many scenarios that could occur, regardless of who wins.

I decided to take a walk. I took my dogs and walked down to the lake nearby. My plan was to put on worship music and walk away my anxiety. God had other plans. I have felt a bit of a dry spell when it comes to writing and hearing from God. In all honesty, it’s because I had been looking down. I realized it when I noticed the reflection of trees in the water. I heard the word perspective.

I had been looking down at the reflection of these trees in the water; but when I actually looked up, I saw the trees for what they actually are, upright, and not upside down. I continued to hear in my mind, “set your sights on things above” over and over again. So I found a rock nearby on a small hill and began to read Colossians chapter 3, where that verse lives. 

3 Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. ² Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. ³ For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God (Emphasis Added). In that short moment, I realized I had been saying with my voice that I trusted God. Yet, I was walking around with the heaviness of the world. I was looking at everything upside down. I feared man and placed my hope in earthly things, rather than setting my sights upward to Heaven on the REALITIES:

The reality that earthly positions change constantly and Christ’s position at the right hand of God does not.

The reality that His position was sealed when Jesus Christ was crucified for the sins of the world.

The reality that Jesus Christ rose to NEW LIFE three days later. The reality that He is preparing a place for us and WILL return for HIS children.

The earth will look upside when the only way we look at it is from an earthly perspective. When we set our sights on heaven and see the earth from its rightful perspective, only then are we are able to see that Christ is still in control. God does not change based on our earthly conditions.

Let us set our sights on HEAVEN, the true reality. Not on the things of a fleeting and dying world. We will always fall short, be disappointed, and left with a void when we try to fill our purpose with the things of this world. But, when we set our sights on the things above, we will be filled with love, mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience (Colossians 3:12), all things a broken and decaying world needs.

Dear Heavenly Father, Please help me to posture my sights upward to you, on the realities of Heaven. Please forgive me for looking down and for losing YOUR perspective. Please help us all to quit looking down at earthly troubles, and to instead look up towards Heaven and the reality of who YOU are. Please help us to be loving, merciful, kind, humble, gentle, and patient so that others can see you in our actions. Please bring more people into your family so that they will also spend eternally with their creator and Heavenly Father. We love you and we trust you. In Jesus Christ’s saving name I pray, Amen.

Today’s post was written by Traci Young, who is a contributor for the Deeper Still Devotional Blog. Traci calls Broomfield, Colorado home, and loves spending quality time with her husband, baby girl, and two red doodles.  She left the workforce to become a stay at home mom and sees it as her mission field! Traci serves on the Fallbrook, CA Deeper Still team.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Worthy of Healing

 

“Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.” Matthew 9:2b

Father, thank you that you forgive our sins.  Thank you that you are not a God who gives retribution for our sins.  Rather you come with mercy, grace and outstretched arms ready and willing to not only forgive, but also heal and set us on the path of an abundant life full of purpose.  Father, I pray for those with abortion wounded hearts to receive your forgiveness, healing, and then they would stand and walk in the fullness of life and purpose in Your Kingdom.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

In Matthew Chapter  9, we find a man who was paralyzed.  When Jesus walked by him, He surprisingly said to the man, “Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.”

Jesus knew the thoughts and desires of this man’s heart.  I have wondered before why Jesus didn’t first heal the man.  He was paralyzed.  Surely the man wanted to walk more than anything.  And I’ve heard sermons in the past that have stated that Jesus forgave the sins of the man to make a point to the Pharisees present.  Our God is a great multi-tasker, so proving a point to the Pharisees and religious leaders was probably an added benefit no doubt.  However, I believe Jesus, in telling this man his sins were forgiven, gave this man the deepest desire of his heart.

Culturally, it was common in the Bible times for people to assume an illness or affliction was a consequence of a sin.  This man possibly had been carrying the burden that he must have sinned in a horrific way to be cursed with this paralyzing disease.  I can visualize this man lying on his bed day after day in agony, crying out, asking for forgiveness, tormented that he must not be worthy of forgiveness, that his sins were too great.

Then Jesus.

Then Jesus walks by and says the words this man has been waiting perhaps years to hear—You are forgiven.  And then, Jesus said, “Arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.”

It is significant that Jesus first said His sins are forgiven.  It is possible this man needed to know His sins were forgiven in order to receive the healing Jesus wanted to give him.  If Jesus would have just walked by and said, “Arise and walk,” but the man didn’t believe his sins were forgiven, feelings of unworthiness could have hindered healing.

We see this paradox play out regularly with those with abortion wounds.  Forgiveness and healing are not the same.  Many times men and women with abortion-wounded hearts will not feel worthy of healing because they do not truly believe they are forgiven.  Negative situations in life or fear of retribution hang overhead like a cloud in a Peanut cartoon.  Or a person with an abortion wound may self-sabotage blessings due to not truly believing they deserve life more abundantly.

But Jesus walks by and says, “Be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you.”  But that’s not all.  Like a trusty infomercial, He says, “Wait, there’s more!”  Not only are your sins forgiven you, but also You can now walk!  He says, “Arise, take up your bed and go.”

He has a good plan to for you.  He has a purpose for you to pursue.

“God doesn’t just free you from something, but also to something.” –Karen Ellison

This kind of love is beyond compare and comprehension. His mercy and grace are unmeasurable.  He has a good plan for you.  Receive forgiveness, then arise, stand and walk in the fullness of all God has for you.

Author:  Sue Molitor, Deeper Still Team Member

When Jesus Shows Up

“You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in his name.  He is your praise, and He is your God who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen.” Deuteronomy 10:20-21

Father, again we give You all praise, glory and honor due Your Name! We may never fully understand the vastness of Your holiness, power and authority.  We give you honor and acknowledge that we are just small vessels, and we are humbled that You would give us the opportunity to partner with you in advancing Your Kingdom and setting Your people free.  Your power and might are incomprehensible and we are in awe of Your majesty.  We praise You for all You are and all You do!  We love you!  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The Deeper Still Summer Retreat 2017 in Knoxville, Tennessee, will be remembered as one epic retreat.  It was off the charts amazing as the Lord showed up and showed off big time in changing the hearts and lives of those attending.

 

It is difficult to express in words the power and glory of the Lord that was experienced by the team members and the participants who attended that weekend.  One of our team members, Alaina Wingo, wrote of her experience: 

“I never was able to understand what it meant to fear the LORD until one day He gave me an image which helped me understand a bit more. I saw a picture of myself in a small boat in the middle of an ocean. The sea was placid with no land in sight. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a massive whale breached the water with his tail towering next to me. Though his tail alone was so much bigger than the boat, there was no damage to me or the boat.  I was filled with AWE and FEAR. To witness such an amazing sight was humbling and incredible and could have brought me to tears.  A feeling of terror approached me while marveling at the power and size of this great beast.

Our GOD out scales any whale, incomparably so. We cannot comprehend His greatness. My fear of the Lord is out of utter reverence for our POWERFUL GOD.  Just a glimpse and I am in awe. And that is how this retreat felt in some ways. There always seem to be problems before a retreat and often during. However, when Jesus shows up, all confusion falls away and fear dissipates to its appropriate place–.in the Lord alone.

Unprecedented things happened during the retreat. And yet I feel like we haven’t seen anything. There’s always more. I am truly humbled that God can take a group of imperfect people looking to serve and be healed and do such big things. We built the altar and He lit it on fire.”

~Alaina Wingo, Deeper Still Team Member, Knoxville, TN

The Deep Wound of Rape

“He reveals deep and hidden things, he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.”  Dan 2:22

Father, I pray for those coming to the retreat this weekend and next weekend to allow you to reveal the deep and hidden things so that pain can turn into purpose and hurts can be surfaced for healing.  We know it is not your desire for us to remain numb to the pain lying dormant in the depths of our heart.  Bring those things that lie in darkness up to the surface where your light can shine and bring forth life.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

In a car ride three years ago, the Lord began to surface a need for healing that had been buried deep within my heart.  Karen Ellison (founder of Deeper Still), Carla Martin, Kay Smith (team members) and I were traveling to Illinois to serve on the team for the first Deeper Still of Central Illinois retreat.  It was exciting to be on a road trip back to my home state.  The retreat was taking place between where I grew up and where I had gone to college.  It was also only about 30 miles from where my abortion took place.  I was overwhelmed with the Lord’s goodness in allowing me to be a part of this retreat in Illinois.

We also had a plan to stop at the abortion clinic in Champaign, IL where I had the abortion to pray over the land.  It was a good plan, but God had an even better plan.

Part of my story involves a rape on my college campus.  I don’t believe I have ever written about this part of my story, but felt the Lord wanted me to share part of this today.  On the way to help serve at the first retreat in Illinois in 2014, Karen asked me how the Lord had healed me of that rape experience.  I was like a deer in headlights.  I had only recently begun to acknowledge the rape and had never really sought healing for it.  I didn’t know what to say.  Karen suggested we find the fraternity house where it happened and pray there.

While on the college campus, we found fraternity row.  All the houses looked so similar and it had been 21 years since it happened.  Not remembering which house it was, we stopped on a corner with four fraternity houses surrounding us to pray.  I bowed my head but no words would come.  Then from somewhere deep within, sobs surfaced and turned into wails as I stood bent over with violent pain flowing from the depths of my soul.  This pain had been bound up, packed away, not given any air to breathe.  Now, it was opening, this wound covered in scar tissue, never allowed to heal.  It was rising to the surface.  I thought the pain might be too much.  This pain was more than I thought I could bear.  My friends surrounded me praying, like a canopy, protecting me and shielding me as the Healer did His surgery. 

The next few times I shared this part of my story, pain and tears continued to come as the Healer continued to heal this area of my heart.   However, after sharing this part of my story a few times, it became easier and easier.  Now I don’t feel the intense pain I once felt and I’m able to talk about it. 

This is how the Lord heals us.  First He reveals an area of our hearts that needs healing.  Then, he gently removes the scar tissue so the wound is exposed to the air for healing.  He breathes life to the areas once dead and numb.  This may cause temporary pain.  But the pain is only temporary while He does the surgery.  So many people avoid the surgery in fear of the pain being surfaced.  I am thankful I didn’t avoid facing the pain of my past that day in Illinois.  If I would have said, “I don’t need to go there and pray, really, I’m ok”, I would have missed the healing the Lord had for me and that pain would still be lying dormant in my heart festering.  And I surely wouldn’t be writing this today—I would still be paralyzed and numb, unable to share this part of my story. 

Rape is a real hurt.  It is a thief that steals more than can be physically counted.  But the Lord wants to restore what was stolen and mend the areas that are broken.  I no longer consider myself a victim, but rather victorious.  If this is part of your story as well, my heart hurts for you.  I pray that you too will allow the Lord access into those wounded areas so He can do the surgery required for healing.  Reach out to friends you trust who can stand around you during the healing process, praying for you.  If needed, see a counselor.  This is only my story of healing, but the Lord heals different people in different ways. I don’t know the process He will use, but I do know He is the good Healer and the Great Physician and He wants to heal you. 

I Can’t Forgive Myself

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”  Romans 8:1-2

Father, we give you thanks that because of the paid blood of Jesus Christ, we can live free.  We thank you that not only do you forgive us of all our sins but that because of Jesus we are not only able to forgive others but also ourselves.  There is no condemnation to those who are in you.  We give you praise and glory in Jesus’ Name.  Amen. 

The other night my ten-year-old daughter and I were having a devotional time as we do before bed each night.  The devotional was on forgiveness.  She said something I didn’t expect her to say.  She confessed that she believes God forgives her of her sin but that sometimes she has a hard time forgiving herself.  She confided that even after asking God to forgive her, she often will beat herself up over and over again after she has made a mistake and sinned.

 

I have to admit, I have been guilty of that as well at times.  However, I do not believe it pleases the Lord in any way when we refuse to forgive ourselves of the sins Jesus suffered and died on the cross to forgive and cleanse.  In fact, it grieves Him. 

Another Deeper Still Team member, Carla Martin, said the Lord revealed to her one day that she was often living like His Word said, “There is now ‘not nearly so much’ condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  However, the Lord pointed out to Carla that is not what He said.  He said there is “no” condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  No.  Not any. None.

The Lord has clearly said that if we do not forgive others, He cannot forgive us. (Matt 6:15, Matt 6:14)  What about ourselves?  Does it apply to us?  

Jesus paid a dear price.  Is it not selfish of us and even prideful to not receive the gift that cost Him His life?  He willingly and lovingly paid it.  It is a gift for us to receive.  This is how I explained this to my daughter. 

 

What if I had a gift I wanted to give her.  This gift had cost me greatly and I had gone to much trouble to get it for her, because I loved her.   I was very excited about her having this gift.  My love for her is the reason I put forth all the effort to purchase this gift for her.   But what if when I went to give it to her, she expressed she didn’t deserve such a gift and refused to take it? Or just took part of it, but not the whole gift.  How would that make me feel?  Would I be happy she didn’t feel she deserved such a gift or sad that my daughter refused to accept the gift I desperately wanted to give her?

I hear often of women who have had abortions and the men who father those children saying that they believe God has forgiven them but they cannot forgive themselves.   These women and men do not feel worthy of forgiveness.  They do not feel they deserve the gift the Lord wants to give them.  I understand.  I use to feel that way and sometimes I know I don’t receive forgiveness as quickly as the Lord would like me to receive it. 

If you are someone who has had an abortion or has trouble forgiving yourself for other sins, this is not to condemn you.  Lord have mercy.  Not in anyway.  That would be the exact opposite of the reason for this post.  What I do hope is that you will give yourself permission to forgive yourself.  And if you are not sure how to do that, to ask the Lord to help you forgive yourself.  He wants you to receive ALL He has for you.  He wants you to receive the full gift He has for you!  He is beyond excited to give it to you!  For those of you who struggle with this, I would love to pray for you personally.  I will post a prayer below but if you leave a comment, I will also pray for you specifically in a reply. 

God loves you so much and it is His desire for all of us to live in the fullness of Him and without any condemnation, completely free of guilt or shame.  You are forgiven.  You are His. 

Father, I pray for those reading today who have had a hard time forgiving themselves.  They believe You have forgiven them, but do not feel that they can forgive themselves.  Father, I pray they would receive the fullness of the gift you have for them today.  Help them live fully free in You.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.