Our Secret

“Those who look to Him are radiant; and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Psalm 34:5

Secrecy is a fearful place to be. We sit wondering, living in fear that one day someone will find out that ugly, shameful secret we are carrying around. Abortion. The dark little secret no one wants to talk about because of the scandal of it all.

As long as we think we have our sin safely hidden, the accuser will keep our hearts in bondage. The disadvantage of that bondage is that we continue to suffer in silence. We may look all put together on the outside, but inside we are living in emotional chaos. Freedom will be just out of our reach, although we long for it desperately.

James 5:16a states: “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.” I believe God’s word is quite clear about how we obtain our healing, our freedom. I went through a program, and one of the things they taught us is this: “We can not heal what we do not acknowledge.” This is why it is important to tell our story. Our secret.

I didn’t want others to know I had one abortion, let alone three. In my mind, one was shameful enough, but to admit to multiple abortions, well, I didn’t dare. So, in comes the uneasiness that someone closest to me (mainly my children) would find out and their perception of me would be marred. What would others think? The lie I was fed was this; “You’re an awful person for ending the lives of your children. Not one, but three, no way that secret is coming out.”

So, I ran and hid just like Adam and Eve. I was covered in shame. That humiliation affected every area of my life. Especially my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

It brought about a lack of intimacy with God. However, God came looking for me just as He did with Adam and Eve. He knew what was hidden behind the veil. I wasn’t hiding anything from Him. Jesus had already given His blood for me. He had already corrected my wrong. Who was really suffering here? Me.

It’s imperative that we bring the hidden sin into God’s glorious light. Proverbs 28:13a states: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, he who confesses and abandons them will find mercy.” I looked up “find mercy.” In the Hebrew it means this; “It’s a deep sympathy and sorrow felt for another struck with affliction, accompanied with a desire to relieve the suffering.” God so graciously chooses to have mercy on us and to alleviate our inner suffering.

When I chose to be transparent, my children and others didn’t love me less. I was met with compassion and forgiveness. God had prepared the way. He covers and protects us. We must trust Him to take care of those scary details.

Sharing our story brings a certain amount of freedom. Ignoring it and pretending you are okay will never allow your wounds to heal. It remains a hidden sin.

Psalm 34:5 states: “Those who look to Him are radiant; and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Go to God. Look to Him to be in the midst of your confession. Prayer beforehand is a must. God will surely bring peace into the situation. You can TRUST HIM in all things.

It is the beginning to receiving a complete healing and transformation in your life. It also brings about a more intimate relationship with God and your loved ones. Truly, it is about trusting Him with your uttermost secret. It is knowing that He will work this secret out for your good when you confess.

What He wants most for us is healing and freedom. Lean into the One who knows and loves you most. Jesus gives beauty from the ashes of abortion. He did it for me, He will definitely do it for you.

Jesus, thank you for bringing beauty where there were ashes. We praise you for your mercy, compassion and forgiveness of our sins. Thank you for the freedom you bring into our messes. Amen.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend healing retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to DeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Bound and Gagged, Now Unchained

“Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors opened and everyone’s chains were loosed.” Acts 16:26

After having an abortion, life can feel like a prison, locked in a cell of secrecy. This is a dark and lonely place–a place of confinement. Confined, because of that secret, and the guilt and shame that comes with it. Chains can become wrapped securely around the heart, gagged and bound, some of us for years.

In Acts 16:25-26, we find the story of Paul and Silas being thrown into the inner prison where their feet were fastened in the stocks. There was no way they could escape that cell. Yet, they began to worship and sing hymns to the Lord. They were dealing with their situation best they could.

Those with abortion wounds and trauma, may be able to worship in chains as Paul and Silas did, but our hearts have a lock on the door. It is securely wrapped and bolted tight. We may know God forgives us, but we can’t seem to receive that forgiveness. Some of us are not open to receive that precious gift. We do not feel deserving or worthy of such love that only comes from Jesus.

The key out of the chains, the only key that works, is our Healer Jesus.

Verse 26 is the one I want to focus on. It states: “Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors opened and everyone’s chains were loosed.”

Suddenly. When I went through the Deeper Still retreat, like an earthquake, God shook apart the foundation of shame, guilt, and my voicelessness. It all came crumbling to the ground in a pile of ruin. Thank you Jesus!

After all that bondage was shaken loose, it was time to rebuild the infrastructure. First, I had to give Him the authority to work on me by throwing up a white flag. Complete surrender was a choice. Then, suddenly, a new soft and pliable heart began to come forth.

I received a new identity. No longer was I a slave to my sin of abortion. I was finding out just who I was to my Savior. I began to walk through open doors of healing and restoration. Reformation began. I could finally relate to Isaiah 55:12. I went out with joy, and was led out with peace. Peace, something that was foreign to me.

To experience freedom, joy and peace after living in prison– I am not the same woman I use to be! I am being changed from glory to glory ever drawing closer to my Father. He who opened the door to my heart and unfastened my chains, be glory, honor and praise forevermore. I no longer live in a prison cell. Chains no longer have me bound. I have been set free!

Thank You for the freedom that comes from you Jesus. Help us to stand firm, and to not let ourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. For you have set us free, and because of You, we are free indeed. Hallelujah!! Praise, glory and honor to You, our Redeemer!!

Taking Off My Armor

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” Ephesians 6:11

In 1 Samuel 17:38-39, we find a story of David about to face Goliath. It says this:

“Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off.”

In the story of David and Goliath, David chose to take off the armor that Saul insisted would protect him. If David would have left on the armor that didn’t suit him, it would have hindered his ability to throw and he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish the mission God assigned him to do. Wearing armor we were not meant to wear will hinder who God created us to be.

David chose to take off the armor and trust that His God would protect him as he had faithfully done in the past. This choice of trusting God to protect rather than choosing self-protection led not only David to triumph, but also blessed all the Kingdom.

We were never meant to wear such heavy armor. We were meant to wear God’s armor of protection, not of our own making.

There have been times I have tried to protect myself with an armor that was unsuitable for me. Only this armor isn’t made of metal or steel and it isn’t visible with the naked eye, but it is heavy, nonetheless. Out of fear, there have been times, I have chosen to create a fortified wall that is hard to penetrate, but also heavy to carry around.

I doubt I’m the only one. If you are breathing air, you most likely have been hurt by another human being. These hurts when continuous over time can cause us to decide God must not be protecting us and so I must protect myself. What we don’t realize is the lie this is and the sin it invokes—sin of esteeming ourselves higher than others. Ouch. Yes, I realize that is a hard claim, but I am putting myself in there as well and I have done this and it is wrong and damaging to not only ourselves, but to the body of Christ.

The issue is that not only do these walls of armor protect, they also unwittingly keep us bound. This armor also keeps us from giving the gift of our true self to others, who desperately need what God has put inside of us–we all need the gifts God has entrusted in each other.

Ephesians 6:11 says, “Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” It is hard to wear two suits of armor, and only one really protects, the other is only hindering our ability to walk.

Friends, I am taking my armor off and I’m asking if you would be willing to do the same. We need each other and we need the gifts in you. We need to know you and we need your loving beautiful heart fully out there pumping in full blown capacity, not suited up and hindered by cumbersome metal.

Perhaps you want so badly to take off your armor, but fear clinches and it seems too risky. Today, we want to pray with you and together, let’s ask the Lord to help take off the armor and for the walls to come tumbling down. Maybe you need to forgive someone or many. Not everyone is trustworthy, but I promise you there are people God will bring into your life who are safe. God will protect you. Even when it seemed like He missed it, He never has left you and He will protect you.

Will you take a breath with me and then take off one piece of armor at a time, casting it all away as David did, trusting the Lord to go with Him. When you do, not only will you be victorious, but so will the Kingdom as you are free to be who God made you to be.

Your heart is too beautiful to be hidden by metal and surrounded by armor. The world needs your beautiful heart unhindered, beating and loving.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for protecting me. Thank you that I have your armor, the armor of God, so I do not need to make my own armor or try to wear things that will only hinder my walk with you and others in the body of Christ. Lord, I forgive those who have hurt me and trust you to protect. Lord, I thank you that in you I live fully free, loving others, and trusting you. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I No Longer Hate My Story

A few years ago I wrote a post entitled, I Hate My Story. I encourage you to read it. I read it again before I wrote this and it brought good tears to my eyes. It is about “forgiving God”.

For years I hated my story. Recently, a friend sent me a link to a new book called, When You Don’t Like Your Story by Sharon Jaynes. I haven’t read it, but it does sound good. When she sent it, I thought, “You know what, I don’t like my story and I doubt I ever will, but I don’t hate my story any longer.” I was so thankful for this prompt that revealed this new truth to me.

Earlier that same day I had sat with two people at different times as they shared very hard personal things happening in their lives. I was so thankful to be able to sit with these precious women and love on them.  As I contemplated this, I became thankful for my story. I am not glad about the decisions I made and if I had a do over, I would happily change a few scenes. But I no longer hate it.  Because of my story I have the capacity to sit in messy complicated places with others fully in grace—without judgement. It is a beautiful thing to be able to sit with someone and pour out grace after they have been rejected and shamed by others.

Our hard messy stories expand our capacity to walk in grace.

I now trust the Lord more than I ever have before. I have my abortion story, which I have told countless times now (I remember when God called me to tell it and how fearful I was). But that is only a part of my story. A lot of life has happened since I was in college—27 years of life (yikes, I just kind of told my age). Our life is made up of more than a single event. There is so much I could share and perhaps one day I will. But what I do know through it all is that my God continues to show up again and again and He is faithful. And the things the enemy may have meant for evil or to cause harm, the Lord continues to turn around and say, “No, this isn’t meant for harm, but it is meant for good and to take you into deeper relationship and deeper trust in Me.”

I still hate the sin. I hate that I won’t see my daughter lost to abortion until I get to heaven. I hate that I caused pain to people I love. I hate that others caused pain. Just like Jesus, I hate the sin, but I don’t hate the story. He is in the story.

Jesus hates sin and sin was the catalyst to the greatest story—the story of redemption. It is because of His story, that we can be ok with our story. He’s ok with our story—after all He approved the final edit.

He never approves of sin but we have free will and we have choices. What He does approve of is what He will turn around from it if we give Him the story and let Him finish it. It takes courage to turn our story over to Him for the final edits. We often think we can write a better story.

Will you listen to the Lord today? If you were like me and hate your story, He has something He wants to say:

My beloved daughter/son, will you give it to me? Will you give me your heartache, your pain, your suffering? Will you trust me with the final edits? Will you trust me to finish the story? Will you let go and surrender trusting in my goodness? I am trustworthy. Do you believe me? I know how hard this has been and the road you are walking seems too difficult, steep, and treacherous for you. I won’t let you fall. Hold my hand. I’m holding onto you. I always have been. I see you. I know you hate your story, but that is only because you haven’t seen the ending. Let me write the ending for you. Let me lead you. The things on this path will lead you to a beautiful place full of joy and acceptance and glory. You already see the fruit of the steps you’ve taken with me. Keep walking with me as I weave a beautiful story of redemption, grace, and mercy. The final edit will be worth it.

Dear Heavenly Father, we place all the beauty, pain, heartache, wrong choices, every part of our story in your hands. We trust your ever faithful fingers to hold on tightly as we let go and let you write the rest of the story. Lord, may none of it be wasted. Use it all for your glory, every page, every word. We trust every stroke of your heavenly pen dipped in the blood of Jesus Christ to turn our mess into a beautiful story of redemption and grace. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

His Love is Fierce

He tore through the atmosphere for me! He wanted me to know the depths of His fierce love for me!

“I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick.” Ezekiel 34:16a

In 1998, the church I was attending was putting out original worship music. So at the request of the congregation we did a live worship album. What an experience it was to be a part. We spent many weeks practicing the music and getting prepared. The people came. The Holy Spirit was definitely present.

We were singing the last song, which was about God’s holiness. I was worshipping, looking toward the sky, when, all of a sudden, it was as if a white screen dropped down. It was like I was watching a movie; only I was in it.

I saw an image of my Heavenly Father and my children. I heard the Father gently whisper, “We have forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself.” With that, it ended. He tore through the atmosphere for me! He wanted me to know the depths of His fierce love for me!

You see, after having abortions, one of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself and receive God’s forgiveness and His love.

I was in awe of what God had shown me. I shared this with my closest friend and she asked the question, “Are you going to finally forgive yourself?” How could I forgive myself or receive His forgiveness? I mean, I murdered my unborn children, how do you get past that? How does God?

Even after that glorious experience, I continued resisting receiving His forgiveness and still was not able to forgive myself. I lived in shame for another twelve long years. I was running from the one who loved me most. I was looking for a love that no man could ever fulfill, making self-destructive choices. Four abusive relationships later, going back and forth from God to the world, I found myself in the darkest of pits–so deep and dark, I could barely see a glimmer of light to find my way out. But, in the distance, a glow was there calling me out.

When I started walking toward that flicker of light, Jesus, He changed me. It was a strenuous and back-breaking process to say the least. All I can say is that it was worth the pain I had to go through to get out of the dark and into His glorious light.

God’s Word says, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.” Psalm 139:7, 8.

I had sure made my bed in hell. But God…

I want you to know, sons and daughters, if you are struggling to receive His forgiveness and fierce love, He will stop at nothing to get you back. He wants you to know His unfailing love. Most importantly, to receive it! What amazes me is He chases us down, He seeks us out. There is a song I love called, “Fierce”. Take a moment to listen. His love is relentless in His pursuit. He is fighting for us. He battles our adversary and our free will. Even with those odds, He doesn’t stop. I pray you find comfort in knowing that. I thank God that He never stopped pursuing me through those dark years. His love will miraculously change your life. He is my Champion!

Heavenly Father, thank you for never giving up on us and Your fierce love that never ceases. Help us to receive Your love and return to You with a love just as fierce in our pursuit of You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Forgiveness, Freedom

“And the Lord restored Job’s losses when he forgave and prayed for them. Indeed the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.” Job 42:10

The purpose of forgiving people is not to let them get away with what they have done or to live as if their actions didn’t harm you. The purpose is to let yourself stop being angry, bitter and having to fight off resentment in every area of your life. This applies to forgiving ourselves as well.

In 1987, I had my first abortion. The consequences of that sin began a journey of me digging a massive pit that I threw myself into. My womb was empty at my hand and I thirsted for the child I had just killed. The realization of that set in immediately. So did unforgiveness. Self-loathing began, while self-destructive mode set in.

I was doing anything and everything to numb myself from the pain of what I had done. This included drugs, alcohol, partying, and men. At this point I was uninterested in the rest of my life. I was going through the motions. If it wouldn’t have been for my son, I believe I would have ceased to exist. My choices led me to two more abortions, 5 husbands and reckless living. My life was in shambles. Most of the relationships I chose were physically, sexually or verbally abusive.

Depending on your depth of unforgiveness and how long you’ve been carrying it around, it will certainly destroy your life. Unforgiveness is a killer to your soul and your health! I became callous, unsympathetic, and heartless. One of the men, whose child I aborted, told me I was the most coldhearted (I’ll be nice here) person he had ever met.

The weight of unforgiveness is grueling; it will paralyze you. I couldn’t live with the fact that I had killed my own children. Thus, my pit that I was living in.

24 years after my first abortion, I finally forgave myself (it was harder than natural childbirth). It was laborious to say the least. Grueling even. To offer myself forgiveness, seemed unattainable. By the grace of God, I did. Freedom came. To some extent…

“Bearing a grudge can hold you back and even damage your health.” Dr. Ken Hart. “It is a major reason why people don’t heal.” Bowie, MD

I was so full of bitterness, unforgiveness and hate towards the abusers, that my body hurt constantly. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2014. The causes of Fibromyalgia include emotional trauma, viral infections, and physical injuries. Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues.

In the spring of 2018, I went to my Deeper Still Retreat. Its name rings true, I did go deeper still. I went through the process of “Debt Paid in Full” where we were to forgive others, ourselves, judgments that we held against ourselves, and how we punish ourselves. I fought painfully hard to forgive the abusers. The stress of that process caused me to have a migraine that day. The amazing thing that took place through that act of obedience, is God healed me instantly of Fibromyalgia (which was caused by emotional and physical trauma). I was set free.

“Forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you MUST do.” Colossians 3: 13b

God delights in our obedience, especially when you obey Him in challenging times. You are positioning yourself for His blessings of peace and healing. That day my Savior gave me both. I have a joy that burns inside of me for what He has done for me.

He can do the same for you as well. Forgive, let it go. There you will find freedom… And forgiveness…

Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness. Where would we be without it? Help us Holy Spirit to choose forgiveness. We lay this request at your feet. You receive all the glory. In Jesus name.

Today’s post was written by Randi Stanton, who is a contributor for the Deeper Still Devotional Blog. Randi lives in Maumelle, Arkansas, and is married to Tom. She has two children, three stepchildren, and two gorgeous grandchildren. She also enjoys hiking in the mountains, playing with her dogs, reading and studying God’s Word. Randi serves on the Arkansas Deeper Still team. 

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

I Hate My Story

 

 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.”  Ecclesiastes 3:11

Father, thank you that you have made all things beautiful in its time.  Lord, I pray for those coming to the retreat this weekend.  I pray they would forgive all that needs forgiving.  Lord, I pray for you to make beautiful the things they hate about their stories.  I pray for you to renew and restore sevenfold all things that have been stolen from them.  Make all things beautiful and set eternity in their hearts.  You know the end of the story and it is glorious.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Tears flooded my eyes.  My emotions were at war.  One fighting to save face, the other fighting to release the pain pent up inside.  Pain won over pride.   I was at a large national pro-life conference.  The beauty of speaker’s heart radiated outward.  At the age of seventy-five, she had lived a long life for the Lord full of courage, overflowing joy, tremendous heartache, and overwhelming victories.  She shared of a woman she knew who was considering abortion but choose life and how her now twenty-year-old child grew to be a lovely person on fire for the Lord—the child she considered aborting.

Although I have had much healing, these stories still stir up pain.  How I wished I had my twenty-something year old here on this earth to cherish and hold and tell her how much I love her.  How I long to embrace my daughter in heaven and be the mother I should have been to her.  As this beautiful story of victory rang in my ears and tears invaded my eyes, words I have often thought rose up capturing my attention…

I hate my story. 

I have told the Lord this before.  He is well aware.  This day he reminded me of this place in my heart and His plan of redemption for it.

As if hearing the story at the conference of someone making a good choice wasn’t enough to get my attention, the Lord then gave me a word.  This beautiful 75-year-old lady had words she had written down for us.  She had prayed over these words and believed the Lord would use these words to speak to us.  One by one we went up to receive our words.

Three other Deeper Still team members were present and went up to receive their words as well.  Afterwards, filled with expectation, we opened our words to share with each other.  Their words were wonderful!

Unique.  Inspirational.  Abundance.

What great words!  Then I opened mine.

Forgive.

What?  What does that mean?  I searched my heart.  Do I need to forgive someone?  No one was coming to mind.  I didn’t like my word.

Again the Lord reminded of my thoughts.

“I hate my story”.

Forgive.  But Lord I have forgiven myself.

Forgive Me.

But Lord we’ve been through all this before.  First of all, you are God, there is nothing to forgive.  This was my choice.  I use to wonder why you didn’t intervene, but now I see you tried but my mind was made up.  You won’t interfere with free will.  So there is nothing to forgive you for.

Inwardly struggling, I ask the Lord for clarification.

It came.

Forgive Me.  Completely forgive me.  Trust me fully. There is a part of you who still questions my goodness because You question my faithfulness.  You question if my plan for you is always and completely good.  Do you trust the Author?  Do you trust Me to make all things beautiful in its time?  I am flawless.  I am good.  I am never failing.  I never make mistakes.  But if you think I made a mistake in the past, it will cause you to question my goodness.  You will question my faithfulness.  You will doubt in my provision.  This is why the word Forgive.  This is why.  My beloved daughter, I need you to trust me.  Trust me in the process.  Trust in my timing. Trust me to do above and beyond anything you can ask, think or imagine.  Trust that the story I am writing has an ending full of glory. 

The best stories never stop in the middle.  If you were to stop some of the classic best stories of all time in the middle, those stories would no longer be classics. Instead, their destination would be the thrift store in VHS form collecting dust (and if you don’t know what a VHS is, that is exactly my point).

I am asking the Lord to help me fall in love with my story because although the ending hasn’t been revealed, I know the ending is epic because I know the Author and He is an excellent Author.

The same is true for you.  Perhaps like me, you have thought how you wished your story was different.  That is ok.  Regret is not bad when it leads us to the Cross of repentance and the nail pierced feet of Jesus Christ.  But He is the great redeemer.  He turns our mess into our message.  He turns all things the enemy meant for evil and uses them for good.  Will you believe with me today that the best is coming, that the end of the story is glorious?  We don’t want to close this book before we finish.  We need to finish to reach the best part of the story.  Keep walking with Him my friend, trusting in the Author.  The best is yet to come.  Lord help us fall in love with the Author and the story knowing the story He is writing is amazing.