I No Longer Hate My Story

A few years ago I wrote a post entitled, I Hate My Story. I encourage you to read it. I read it again before I wrote this and it brought good tears to my eyes. It is about “forgiving God”.

For years I hated my story. Recently, a friend sent me a link to a new book called, When You Don’t Like Your Story by Sharon Jaynes. I haven’t read it, but it does sound good. When she sent it, I thought, “You know what, I don’t like my story and I doubt I ever will, but I don’t hate my story any longer.” I was so thankful for this prompt that revealed this new truth to me.

Earlier that same day I had sat with two people at different times as they shared very hard personal things happening in their lives. I was so thankful to be able to sit with these precious women and love on them.  As I contemplated this, I became thankful for my story. I am not glad about the decisions I made and if I had a do over, I would happily change a few scenes. But I no longer hate it.  Because of my story I have the capacity to sit in messy complicated places with others fully in grace—without judgement. It is a beautiful thing to be able to sit with someone and pour out grace after they have been rejected and shamed by others.

Our hard messy stories expand our capacity to walk in grace.

I now trust the Lord more than I ever have before. I have my abortion story, which I have told countless times now (I remember when God called me to tell it and how fearful I was). But that is only a part of my story. A lot of life has happened since I was in college—27 years of life (yikes, I just kind of told my age). Our life is made up of more than a single event. There is so much I could share and perhaps one day I will. But what I do know through it all is that my God continues to show up again and again and He is faithful. And the things the enemy may have meant for evil or to cause harm, the Lord continues to turn around and say, “No, this isn’t meant for harm, but it is meant for good and to take you into deeper relationship and deeper trust in Me.”

I still hate the sin. I hate that I won’t see my daughter lost to abortion until I get to heaven. I hate that I caused pain to people I love. I hate that others caused pain. Just like Jesus, I hate the sin, but I don’t hate the story. He is in the story.

Jesus hates sin and sin was the catalyst to the greatest story—the story of redemption. It is because of His story, that we can be ok with our story. He’s ok with our story—after all He approved the final edit.

He never approves of sin but we have free will and we have choices. What He does approve of is what He will turn around from it if we give Him the story and let Him finish it. It takes courage to turn our story over to Him for the final edits. We often think we can write a better story.

Will you listen to the Lord today? If you were like me and hate your story, He has something He wants to say:

My beloved daughter/son, will you give it to me? Will you give me your heartache, your pain, your suffering? Will you trust me with the final edits? Will you trust me to finish the story? Will you let go and surrender trusting in my goodness? I am trustworthy. Do you believe me? I know how hard this has been and the road you are walking seems too difficult, steep, and treacherous for you. I won’t let you fall. Hold my hand. I’m holding onto you. I always have been. I see you. I know you hate your story, but that is only because you haven’t seen the ending. Let me write the ending for you. Let me lead you. The things on this path will lead you to a beautiful place full of joy and acceptance and glory. You already see the fruit of the steps you’ve taken with me. Keep walking with me as I weave a beautiful story of redemption, grace, and mercy. The final edit will be worth it.

Dear Heavenly Father, we place all the beauty, pain, heartache, wrong choices, every part of our story in your hands. We trust your ever faithful fingers to hold on tightly as we let go and let you write the rest of the story. Lord, may none of it be wasted. Use it all for your glory, every page, every word. We trust every stroke of your heavenly pen dipped in the blood of Jesus Christ to turn our mess into a beautiful story of redemption and grace. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

A Secret to Keep

 

 

“But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.”  1 John 1:7

 

All three of my children know about my abortion. The Lord led me on three different occasions to share my story with them.  At some point, I may write about those experiences.  But for now, I will say each of them received the news with showers of grace and love.  However, one of them asked me a question poignant with power, “Does this mean I now have a secret to keep?” 

 

Thankful he revealed this thought in his little heart, I immediately refuted his fear.

 

 “No, my son.  I don’t want you to have a secret to keep.  In fact, this isn’t a secret at all.  My mission is to tell my story so others can make a better choice than I made or find healing and hope if they had also had an abortion.  This isn’t a secret.   You probably don’t need to go tell all your friends right now about it, but if the Holy Spirit leads you to share it, I want you to know you have freedom to share.  This is not a secret.”

 

A sigh of relief came over him knowing he didn’t have a secret to keep.  In the words of Aunt Mae from the movie The Amazing Spiderman, “Secrets have a cost.  They are not for free.”  Secrets are exhausting, draining and down-right depressing.  I would never want to burden my son with a secret. 

However, most with abortion in their past, do hold onto keeping this secret at whatever the cost.  Secrecy surrounds abortion and can latch onto your identity clutching on for dear life.  It was interesting to me that my twelve-year-old son inherently knew that if he had to keep a secret, he would be robbed of something. Secrets have a cost.  They are never for free and in his twelve-year-old mind, he knew this truth. 

It is freeing to live fully in the light unhindered by the fear of secrets being discovered.  Living in the light of truth is a beautiful way to live—knowing we are forgiven and loved and cleansed by the blood of Jesus from all sin.  

Father, thank you for the gift of freedom.  Thank you that we can live fully in the light of your grace and truth, fully hidden and protected by you even when we feel completely exposed.  Lord, help us to live in the light in community with one another, covered in your love. Help us, your beloved,  to come out of hiding. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Please Talk About This

“Mercy, peace and love be multiplied to you.”  Jude 1:2

Father in Heaven, Lord, we ask for You to multiply the mercy, peace and love of Deeper Still.  We ask for you to expand Deeper Still.  We ask for You to multiply healing of those wounded from abortion to across the nation and the world.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sobs interrupted by gasps of air filled the car. 

We had just left a fundraising event for a local crisis pregnancy center.  The guest speaker was Pam Tebow.  The crowd listened intently as she shared her powerful testimony.  The doctors had encouraged her to abort her son due to health reasons.  She chose life.  As a result, Tim Tebow was born.  Tim Tebow is the famous football player once known for writing scripture under his eyes and his bold kneel for Christ. 

I left the event broken and desperate.  Sobbing all the way home in the car, I thought about the girl I had aborted that never had a chance to breathe her first breath of air.  That night I wondered the “what ifs” and the “what ifs” broke me. 

God had been leading me on a journey of healing my abortion wounded heart for the past 20 years and I have to admit, up until that night I thought I was fine.  I didn’t see the need to go any deeper.  I thought, “I’m good right where I am.”

However, that night my heart whispered more.  God spoke to me during the event and said, “It is time.  It is time to go deeper.”

Three weeks after that event, He led me to the Deeper Still ministry through a friend and I attended the Deeper Still Ministry training two months later.  God led me deeper and drastically changed my life.

A friend recently told me she was hesitant to share her abortion story at her Bible study group because she was concerned there were women there who were post-abortive and that it may cause them pain to hear the topic of abortion.  Our churches remain silent on the issue of abortion for many reasons, but I believe this is also one of the reasons pastors tend to shrink back from this topic.

Can I just say something about this reason for not talking about abortion?  We need to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when sharing about any topic, but perhaps hushing is hindering the Holy Spirit from doing a much needed work in people who need to hear the hard stuff.  God uses the hard to stir up in us a discontentment for the status quo and open our eyes to our need for Him to heal.  It is easy to ignore the pain when it has been numbed and dormant.

For true healing to occur, a person has to realize their need for a Doctor.  The pain surfacing awakens our need.  Then as Christine Caine has said, “We must embrace the pain of recovery.”

In any surgery, there is pain involved.  We can ignore the issues and pretend they aren’t there and deceive ourselves into believing they will just go away or we can let the Surgeon do His surgery and embrace the pain of recovery.  After the surgery and recovery are over, we can be healthy and whole!  But, we have to know we need surgery and be willing to undergo the hard in order to be healed.

When churches, pastors and leaders decide to not talk about abortion because it might “upset someone” or because “It is a sensative issue”, they are denying that there is an infection in the body of Christ.  If Pam Tebow wouldn’t have talked about abortion that night, I wouldn’t have seen my need for deeper healing.  It is only when we are faced with our pain, that we realize how much we need the Surgeon.

The pain of recovery is temporal.  The pain of denial is infinite.

If you are a church pastor or leader, please talk about this issue.  Please let your people know there is healing and freedom.  In doing so, you are multiplying the healing of His wounded.  God is a God of mercy, peace and love.

God is multiplying His mercy, peace and love.  Thank you for joining us in prayer as He multiplies His Kingdom.

When the Rooster Crows

 

 

“Immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed.  And the Lord turned and looked at Peter.  Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He has said to him, ‘Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.  So Peter went out and wept bitterly.” Luke 22:60b-62

 

Father, thank you that you are faithful even when we falter.  Thank you for your “wake up” calls as you look to us with compassion in your eyes and we realize how far we have fallen.  Thank you that even our deepest failures and regrets don’t disqualify us from ministry, but rather usher in an awareness of our humanity and dependence on you.  We are desperate for you. We need you.  Let your rooster crow in the heavenlies and wake your people to your calling.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

In the Chinese culture, this year is the “Year of the Rooster.”  For those of you who have been following us, you know we have a love for China. When I heard it was the “Year of the Rooster”, I decided to ask the Lord about the Rooster and if it signified anything.  Here is what I felt I heard in my spirit:

A rooster signals a wake-up call.  It is symbolic of a new day, a new morning, a sunrise (Sonrise) and with it light expanding across the horizons.  This year is a year of waking up, a new day, new beginnings, new hope. 

The Lord is calling forth His people–those who have been asleep to awake.

When Peter denied the Lord three times, it was a rooster who “woke” him up to the truth.

Perhaps we don’t deny the Lord verbally, but in our actions or thinking–compromising what is true.

We go from being on fire for the Lord willing to cut someone’s ear off to being wishy-washy in our convictions and justifying actions.   Then…a rooster crows.  The Holy Spirit is creative in getting our attention.

This isn’t the post I thought I’d write today about the rooster.  I have many fun stories about roosters.  After the Lord gave me the word about the rooster being a wake-up call, He began showing off by showing me roosters nearly everywhere I went—for real.

This post could have been about how the Lord gives confirmation after confirmations when He is inclined to be sure you know you’ve heard from Him—this is true.

Or about the waking up of a generation or culture to the reality of His truth and the hope of a new day.  I do believe the Lord is saying that as well.  Wake up.  It is a new day.  There is new hope!

But this post is about our humanity and the Lord’s eagerness to forgive.  Our failures don’t disqualify us.  If you had an abortion, it doesn’t disqualify you.  If you compromised today and denied your Lord by a wrong choice that seems to pale in comparison to abortion—there is forgiveness, hope and a new day.

If your love has grown cold or life has beaten your faith to a pulp causing the sin of unbelief to fester and choke out your joy and passion, today may be a day to hear the rooster.

Hear the rooster say it’s a new day, the sun (Son) is rising on the horizon.  Sorrow may have lasted for a night and that night season seemed long, but it is a new morning with the Light of the world shining bright crowing in a new hope.  This year is a year of waking up, a new day, new beginnings, new hope.

The Lord is calling forth His people–those who have been asleep to awake.  It is time to awake to the truth.  It is time to hear the rooster.

 

Men Have Abortion-Wounded Hearts Too

Please share this post today to bring an awareness that men can be wounded by abortion and also need healing. 

“But Peter and those with him were heavy with sleep; and when they were fully awake, they saw His glory and the two men who stood with Him.”  Luke 9: 32

Father, we know there are men out there who have been sleeping.  There are men with abortion-wounded hearts who we need to arise from their slumber and see Your glory.  Father, we ask for you to awaken this nation to the truth that abortion is not just a women issue, but it affects the hearts of fathers as well.  We ask for an awareness that many men were never given a choice on if their children lived.  Lord, comfort those who grieve the loss of their children and bring them healing.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

There was an article published a couple months ago that mentioned how abortion affects not only women but also the men who encouraged the abortion.  While this is true, there was no mention of those men who didn’t encourage the abortion.  My heart is pained for anyone who has been affected by abortion, but when I read this article, I immediately thought of those men who were never given a choice or never had a voice.  There are many men who may have aborted children in heaven and will never know until the day they enter eternity. 

My friend, Jason, is a man who as mentioned above never had a choice.  Today, I asked him if I could share his story to awaken an awareness of truth.  Thank you, Jason, for sharing your story.

   

I had two major giants I’d been avoiding for many years. I’m going to share about one of them with you. He told me that in order to be used by Him the way that He intended my heart had to be whole. It started with facing the giant called Abortion.

I was with someone over 20 years ago who aborted two of my children. I wanted to keep each one of them but she felt very differently. I left town the night before she had the first abortion. I went out into the woods and camped. The morning she had the first abortion, at the exact time of her appointment, I stood by the river, looking out over the water and heard this voice say to me, “You’re damned. God has damned you”. I felt a part of me die that day.

She aborted my second child just a few months later and again I felt as if I was damned.  Over the years since then, I struggled with addiction, anxiety, shame, anger, and health issues. I had trouble looking people in the eyes.

Eventually, I rededicated my life to the Lord and had forgiven the mother of those children and myself, at least so I thought. I had prayed prayers of forgiveness, but deep down the disgust, the anger, the embarrassment, the rejection, and shame remained. I didn’t acknowledge the lives of those two precious children. I didn’t want to. I tried to pretend many times over that they never happened. I denied them over and over. I lived with this weight, this secret for over 20 years.

…Until I went up the mountain to the retreat site.  It’s not easy going up the mountain. It never is.  I was tempted to turn around, to give in to a ‘last minute something happened so I can’t make it’, or to back out of the cabin parking lot and drive away.

And that’s what I almost did. But then that I heard the Holy Spirit so gently say, “You can do this. You have to do this. I will be with you every step of the way. Nothing is impossible for me. It is for freedom that I have set you free.”

I pulled into the parking lot and I was immediately greeted by the smiling faces of the Deeper Still team.   I parked my car, got out (still afraid), and then Clay said “Hey”, and totally disarmed me. I immediately felt the love of God and knew right then that it was going to be ok.

Well, it turns out that it was better than ok. To put it simply, the retreat was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  I was finally able to share my secret in a safe place and as the retreat progressed, the weight that I had carried with me for so long, began to lighten until it finally left once and for all. I experienced the true love of Jesus, deeper healing and a peace that I had never known before. I knew that I was not damned – I was loved and accepted, forgiven. Strongholds were broken that weekend. In one of the most touching segments of the retreat, I was finally able to embrace and acknowledge my two children, Ethan and Savannah. They became real to me.  I know they’re ok. They’re waiting for me and one day I will hold them in my arms and kiss their beautiful faces.

Deeper Still is one of the most incredible and anointed ministries I’ve been around. The love, spirit and organization of this ministry are like none other I’ve experienced.  The need for this ministry cannot be understated. 

I went up the mountain, a grasshopper. I came down the mountain a giant killer, a new creation in Christ. You see, I slayed one of my giants that weekend. The anxiety, shame, and anger I carried up the mountain were no longer there. The parts of me that died over 20 years ago were brought back to life. I felt a wholeness like never before. I got back the freedom to look people in the eyes, and the voice I lost was restored. It gave me the strength to face my other giant, which I’m in the process of doing now.

The stories the other men shared were amazing. Watching the progression of their restoration was healing and invigorating. Men, this ministry and the retreat is not for women only. There are men reading this who have been with someone who had an abortion, or perhaps you know a man who has gone through this. You may be forgiven, and you may have acknowledged the abortion to your pastor. But I want to encourage you to go deeper still. You have what it takes. Slay your giant. -Jason

If you fathered a child who was aborted, there is a safe place for you to go to find healing and freedom.  There are two spots left for men for the April retreat.  It is April 28-30.  You can go to www.godeeperstill.org for more information and to register.  Men, we need you.  We need you to be a voice for the voiceless.  Will you awake and see His glory?  His glory awaits you!

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Surrendering the Dark

“Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of him who was dead, said to Him, ‘Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been dead four days.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’ Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying.”  John 11:39-41

Father, will you awaken those laying in the dark?  Will you stir within your people to roll away the stone and reveal those places that are hidden and dead to allow your resurrection power to bring forth life and restoration all for Your glory.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.  

We live in an abortion-wounded world.  One in three women  have had an abortion, and that isn’t even mentioning the men also affected by fathering a child who is aborted.   What does an abortion-wounded world look like?  From the outside, it may appear quite normal.   The abortion-wounded can even look rather put together.  

We can become experts in hiding our secret.  Perhaps the secret is nestled away in a box hidden in a corner of the heart with a gigantic stone rolled in front .  Put on some lipstick, a pretty lace-trimmed blouse, high heels, and well-manicured nails, and from the outside, all may appear well.  But, what is dead hidden in the dark, cannot remain hidden forever.  It will eventually start to stink.  And that stink will not disappear until the box is opened and Jesus is allowed to resurrect what was once dead.  

God is just waiting for us to lead Him to the place where we need a resurrection. God can resurrect regardless, but He is a gentleman and He won’t open the box unless we give Him access.  He may cause the stink to increase, but it is still our decision to allow Him to resurrect the dead and dark areas hidden in our hearts.  

What would happen if every single abortion-wounded person allowed God to come in and roll the stone away from their dead places and resurrect life into their soul and spirit?  I believe the world wouldn’t be able to contain the glory that would result.  I believe the world would come to itself and see abortion as the atrocity and horror that it is.  I believe abortion would end.  

In the verse above it says, “Jesus said to her.  ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’”

What once brought death, destruction and darkness can now be used to bring life, liberty, and light all for the glory of God.  All that is needed is to allow God to roll away the stone!  

But so many times, we resist and say, “Wait a minute Lord.  If you roll away the stone, if you open that box, it is going to stink! Do you know how long that has been dead?  Do you know how long I have kept this secret?  Lord, are you sure you want to open that?!”  Or we might say, “Lord, you know I’ve already dealt with all that.  I know you have forgiven me.  What is the point of rolling away that stone?!  Let’s just keep all that closed away behind a big honking rock.”  

But the Lord says, “I want to bring life.  I want to resurrect and do an even greater work!  And if you believe me, you will see the glory of God!”  

All of this leaves us with a choice.  We can choose to keep our dead secrets hidden in the dark or we can choose to surrender the dark and allow the Lord access to roll away the stone and bring light and life to what was once dead.  Will you choose to surrender and then watch and you will see the glory of God!  

Is Everyone Called to Share Their Testimony

“When your son asks you in time to come, saying, ‘What is the meaning of the testimonies, the statutes, and the judgements which the Lord our God has commanded you?’ Then you will say to your son; ‘We were slaves of Pharoah in Egypt, and the Lord brought us up out of Egypt with a mighty hand.'” Deuteronomy 6:20-21

Father, I pray for those who have been healed and set free to find courage and find their voice to share how they were once slaves but now are free, to tell others of your forgiveness and grace and help others find freedom as well.  Lord, I pray they would share for the generations that follow to know the truth.  In Jesus’ Name amen.

There was a time when if you had asked me if I thought everyone was called to share their story, I would have said no.  In fact, I did tell someone exactly that answer.

In 2008, I shared my testimony of healing from my abortion at my home church.  Afterwards, a friend came up to me timidly and confided in me that she too was post-abortive. With fear in her eyes, she asked me if I thought she had to share her story.  I told her I didn’t think everyone was called to share their story.  Now, I hold a different view.

Will everyone be called to speak in front of a church or to a large group of people?  Perhaps not.  However, there will come a time, I believe, when God asks you to give testimony to the healing you have received in order to help someone else become free.  See, when God heals, it is not only for you.  Yes, it is most definitely for you, but it is also His desire for you to show others the path to freedom in Him.The enemy would like nothing more than for God’s daughters and sons to remain silent.

I completely understand not wanting to share.  It is hard to share the darkest and most difficult times of our lives.  However, if you will oblige me, can I ask you a question?  Why?  What is your reason for keeping your healing to yourself?  Did God tell you to?  Has the Holy Spirit not prompted you to share?  That could very well be the case.  God has perfect timing.  But, if the reason is rooted in fear–fear of man–fear of what will people think, then I think you need to really seek the Lord and follow Him in whatever He leads you to do.  Fear is never a good reason to keep silent.  In fact, if you discover it is fear holding your tongue, I would strongly encourage you to find a safe friend and share what the Lord has done to free you!

One thing I know–“We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.”  If we aren’t free to share, we need to share to be free!

In the movie, “The Heart of the Sea”, the story of Moby Dick that came out recently, there was a line that brought my spirit to attention when it hit my ears:

“The devil loves unspoken secrets.  Especially those that fester in a man’s soul.”

The enemy would love nothing more than for God’s daughters and sons to remain silent.

People need to hear our stories.  Those considering abortion need to hear the truth.  Those still suffering  in silent shame need to know there is healing, freedom and hope.

The next generation needs to hear our stories.  Our children need to hear of the glory of God.  If we remain silent, our stories die and glory fades.  Silence risks breeding the repetition of. slavery.

In the verse above, we are asked a question, “What is the meaning of the testimonies?”  Or in my words, “Why do we share our stories?”

The answer is simple and found in the following verse.  We share because:

Once we were slaves, but now we are free!  The Lord has brought us out with a might hand!!

Let’s shout it from the mountain tops!

Preventive Measures

“But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd.  Then He said to His disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.  Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborer into His harvest.'” Matthew 9:36-38

Lord, we ask for the expansion of Deeper Still. Father, will you send forth the laborers into the field for Your harvest.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I saw across the table from a friend explaining the ministry of Deeper Still.  She had never heard my story and tears welled up in her eyes as she listened intently realizing I had an abortion at age 19.

She immediately loved the ministry of Deeper Still and healing the abortion-wounded.  Being pro-life, she asked in an affirming and inquiring way, “Does this ministry do anything preventative about abortion?”

Pausing for just a moment, I directed her to one of our ministry partners, a local pro-life crisis pregnancy center, but then the Holy Spirit interrupted and I began to explain how this ministry is preventative.

“Society spews the lies that abortion is no big deal, it is just a procedure, it is just a blob of tissue, it is my body and I can do whatever I want with no consequences.  When these post- abortive men and women are truly free, they become an army of voices rising up for truth. And that is how Deeper Still is a preventative ministry.”

We need women and men free to be a voice of truth, so they can then, in turn, go into the fields and become co-laborers for the harvest in the Kingdom of God.  We need this ministry in all states throughout the US and into the world for truth to arise and darkness to be dispelled.  Thank you praying and continuing to pray for the message of truth to spread throughout the globe.

Judi’s Story

“But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.’”  Mark 5:33-34

Father, we give you praise that healing flows from even the hem of your garment.  Father, we pray for all the participants coming to the Deeper Still retreat, that they would come and fall before you Lord and tell you the whole truth so that they may be made well, have peace and be healed.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

March 8, 2016, Deeper Still had its annual fundraising banquet.  Four beautiful testimonies were shared by four of the participants who went through a retreat last year.

One of the participants who shared was Judi.  Last summer, Judi reached out for the hem of Jesus’ garment and the result was nothing short of miraculous.  The post today is written by beautiful and free Judi. She also shares part of her story in a short video at the end! Thank you Judi for sharing your story with us today!

 scan·dal·ous

ˈskandləs/

adjective

1.    causing general public outrage by a perceived offense against morality or law.

Today I am in a quite different place from where I started this journey.  When I walked onto the porch at the Deeper Still retreat last year, I felt like the dirtiest outcast that had ever tried to get close to Jesus.  I was reminded of that day a few weeks ago when my church started a series on scandalous grace. They started it in Mark 5.  I had heard the story of the woman with the issue of blood so many times before.  But in this season of my life, the message brought something out that I had never seen before.  Look again at verse 33:

³³ But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth.

She told Him the whole truth.  The whole story.  She spoke it out loud, even with her voice shaking.  And she was healed.

I have known my entire life that God was the God of the universe.  I have known my entire life that Jesus died on the cross at Calvary for the redemption of mankind.  I have always known in my head that I am not the ruler of my life.  This past year, I finally allowed that knowledge to get into my heart.  When I surrendered to that knowledge, He indeed became my Lord.  This past year has felt like a whirlwind of change and a roller coaster of events and has been both the hardest and the sweetest year of my life.  But that has not come easily.  It has taken a lot of prayer, even more listening for Him to tell me where I am and to show me where He wants me to go.  It’s taken faith that He will be my rock now and even when it’s all said and done.  It’s taken the faith to follow Him where He calls me.  Even into scary, unknown places with people I don’t know, in order to start dropping the weight of the baggage I’ve been carrying for decades.  And I have dropped it… by the ton…

Like the woman with the issue of blood, I knew He was a healer, but the crowd was so big… 

And He healed me anyway.

Like the woman caught in adultery, I knew I was guilty and the crowd was so angry…

And He forgave me anyway.

Like Zacchaeus, the crowd was just too much over my head…

 And He dined with me anyway. 

And like the second thief on the cross, I deserved death for what I had done in my life…

 And He paid the cost for me anyway.

I am free.  I am not perfect and have no ability or desire to be.  But I serve a mighty God who has equipped me.  I have the full armor of God to protect me daily.  I have been set free from the lies of the enemy.  I am the daughter of the One True King and am an heir with Christ!  If you are in Christ, I hope you know that you are, too!

Voice by voice, story by story, we really can be victorious in Christ. Scripture reminds us in Revelation that we have conquered him (satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony.  Mine was an ugly story to tell.  Mine is a story some people want me to keep to myself.  But it’s now His story and He will be glorified by it.  This is my story….

https://vimeo.com/album/3688033/video/159255229

  

To Karen and the team members, I can’t even begin to say thank you enough for being the examples of freedom I needed to head safely in His direction with my own life.  I have found my voice.  I will not stop proclaiming the freedom in Christ that I have found.  I will praise Him until he calls me home!

A Life of Significance

“And he who reaps receives wages, and gathers fruit for eternal life, that both he who sows and he who reaps may rejoice together.” John 4:36

Lord, we know you are in all things.  Father, I pray for every member of the Deeper Still team to see their role as significant in all you are doing whether big or small or in the sowing or reaping.  May your eternal Kingdom will and work be done on earth as it is in heaven. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

What marks a person’s life at significant?  Is it a number of lives touched by a person? Is it speaking to multitudes in large ballrooms or coliseums?  If someone reaches 1,000 for the Lord, surely that person is counted as significant, right?  Or is it?  Perhaps what we would view as seemingly smaller actually measures larger on the Kingdom scale. 

The Lord has been stirring in me the significance of one.  There was a widow women who gave all she had…2 pennies (Luke 21:3). Small and seemingly insignificant, but huge in the eyes of the Lord.  Jesus Himself was very much into doing the small things.  He did speak to the multitudes at times, but most the stories we find in the gospels are about the one on one ministry He did.

The Samaritan women Jesus met one on one at the well.

  

The man healed at the pool of Bethesda.  

The adulteress thrown to Him in the sand. 

The man born blind.  

Raising Lazarus from the dead.

  

One on one conversations with His disciples.

  

And so many more.

  

The world likes to place a number on success.  Number of followers.  Number of likes.  Number of retweets.  And there is nothing bad or wrong necessarily in this, but it isn’t an accurate measurement.  Significance can’t be measured by social media or status updates.  Significance is based on inheritance—Kingdom inheritance.  You are a divine son or daughter of the Most High and that status and “like” by the One alone qualifies you as significant.   

People we may never meet have influenced us in ways we may never know this side of eternity.  We never met them yet, their life was significant.  Significant to God.  Significant to His Kingdom.  Significant to eternity. 

This past week, a friend of Deeper Still and former Deeper Still Team Member went to be with the Lord.  Her name is Derinda.  I never knew her nor had the privilege of meeting her.  But, one thing I do know is that the significance of her life is not able to be measured here on earth.  Her significance in the Kingdom is known to God and today she is rejoicing with Jesus and all those loved ones who have gone before her.

(Derinda is the one in the orange next to another team member, Sheila, at Eagle Rock.) 

From her picture, I can see Derinda was a beautiful person on the outside and from what I have heard from others and what I know of this team, she had a huge heart for God and setting the captives free.  One on one impact for Christ is never a small thing in the scale of Kingdom significance.   As I mentioned, I never met Derinda, but I can bet there is a dance party going on in the heavenlies unlike anything we have witnessed.  We honor your life Derinda and all you were and did in the Kingdom. Derinda, your life was significant. 

Significance.  It isn’t something that can be measured.  There are no earthly tools for this task.  All we can do is follow the Holy Spirit and live each day given to us in obedience.  Talk to those God puts in our paths.  Go out of our way to talk to those God lays on our hearts.  Significance is in the small.  It is in the mundane.  It is sowing.  It is reaping.  It is being led.  It is following.  It is in being a child of the Most High.  You, my friends, are significant.