To Have and to Hold

The outside of the building seeped with corrosion. Around the windows, doors, the roof lines, the foundation…all rusting, decaying, seemingly from the inside out. It was an accurate reflection. For what was happening inside this building for decades was now spreading, like a virus, to the outside…reflecting death, rotting with decay.

This building was the Planned Parenthood I had visited at the tender young age of 19 years old. In 2014, I revisited this building, only this time, it was to repent publicly and ask the Lord to heal this land. This building is where I had entered scared, confused, unsure, naïve, desperate. My young mind thought this building was offering hope, a way of escape, a solution to an inconvenience for a young girl who found herself with a red plus sign on the other side of a test. A red plus sign was all I saw and with it all the fears of not being ready to be a mom, and the false belief that all my dreams would vanish the moment a baby appeared. But that fear alone confirms what we instinctively know, a red plus sign means a baby is growing inside the womb.

How many times have I wished that moment back, the opportunity to make a different choice, choosing life instead of death. Life for me, life for my child, life to generations to come.

My daughter whose life I chose to end that day would now be 28. Maybe she would also be a mom by now, perhaps I would have a grandchild, she would have been a sister, and who knows how life would have been different for better or worse, but it doesn’t matter. Life is life regardless. It doesn’t hold less value whether it is better or worse, richer or poorer, sick or in health. As in our wedding vows we eagerly proclaim, we choose to love in all situations. That is what life is, that is what love is. If only these vows were for the children we conceive as well.

“To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.”

But that day when I entered the building in 1993, there were no vows, no promises of love, only the false promises that ending a life would mean I could keep my dreams and ambitions, as if children were a hindrance to life. The very opposite is true.

On the other side of the procedure no one wants you to talk about because it is horrific was a deep deep emptiness and regret. There was a knowing that what just happened was not only wrong, but cruel, and rooted in evil. I was a “Christian”. I had been since the age of four and grew up weekly going to church, church camps, retreats, Awanas, etc. I knew Jesus. I wasn’t living my life for Him at that time, but I knew Him. That day, it seemed He could never love me again. In the recovery room, there wasn’t freedom and joy of a solution, but crying, the hyperventilating type of crying where you can’t catch your breath so intensely I thought I’d never stop. A lady in the recovery room said to me, “I don’t know what your situation is, but I want you to know Jesus loves you.” All I could think is,

“How? How could He love me after what I just did?”

My boyfriend drove me home, not a word was spoken. I was devastated by my choice, knowing I had done something that in my mind was unforgiveable. Immediately I didn’t feel relief, I felt depressed and full of shame.

The promise of hope, and getting my “life” back, whatever that means, in reality led me into despair. Just as the outside of that building reflected what was happening internally, what happened inside of me was framed by the outward choice I made that day. Unworthiness, shame, and guilt consumed me, compiled with using alcohol to escape reality, and trying to feel loved through meaningless sexual relationships. I was rotting inside, without hope, in desperate need of a Savior.

Hope wouldn’t come until 5 years after my abortion when I declared my need for Jesus to be Lord over my life and never turned back. From that day forward in 1998, I followed Him “to have and to hold, for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health”, I have followed Him. He revealed to me His forgiveness, His healing, His freedom, free of cost, free of any payment, because He paid it all. He paid it in full. I don’t have to atone or work or do anything. He did it all. What I do, whatever I do, isn’t for a need, it is out of a heart that is forever thankful for what He did for me.

I think back and wonder if Roe V Wade hadn’t been in place in 1993. I wonder if I would have made a different choice if abortion wouldn’t have been as easily accessible, or if we lived in a culture that celebrated life and valued life and made the truth known about life, it’s Creator, and the miracle that life is. Would I have made a different choice? I can’t say. We never know what would have happened if circumstances were different.

But this I can say, I am thankful for any life that will be saved due to abortion being less available.

The Planned Parenthood I visited in 1993 is still open, still decaying. But, because of Jesus, my insides no longer reflect the decision I made 29 years ago. I have been made new… forgiven and free. Full of purpose and hope. This side of heaven I won’t be able “to have and to hold” my child, but I can rest in the assurance that Jesus has and holds us both.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend healing retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.DeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you

From Scorched to Watered…Finding Strength after Placing My Child {Guest Post}

Guest post by Eren Moore

“And the LORD will continually guide you and satisfy your desire in the scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.” Isaiah 58:11

The scorched places.

We all have them. Those traumas—hurts induced on us by others. The sins we committed and the consequences of them that seemed to mar or change us forever. The places that need to be spoken out and named but we’d rather hide them because of shame.

Maybe God is revealing some of your scorched places even now as you read this. I’ve learned that we must name them, for naming them brings them into the light so that they can be grieved and repented of.

Naming and telling is where my healing began.

IN MAY OF 1991, AT 17 YEARS OLD, I FOUND OUT I WAS 8 WEEKS PREGNANT.

I knew before I even took the test, but denial is powerful. I dismissed the thought for a few weeks until I figured I better find out for sure. The only place I really knew to go for help was the Planned Parenthood I drove by every day on my way to school.

The only statement the nurse said to me as I walked out the door was, “We can help you take care of that.”
I said, “You mean to have an abortion?”
She nodded.

Overwhelmed I rushed to my car driving south on a two-lane highway, fighting the urge to turn my steering wheel to the left so as to drive over the median into the north-going traffic. I was devastated, hopeless, scared. Scorched.

By God’s grace I made it home that day. But then, I faced weeks of struggle. Thoughts of telling my parents terrified me. There seemed to be no words to even begin that conversation. Surely they would kill me or at the very least kick me out.

What kind of example would I be to my younger sister and brothers? What about my future at college? To answer these questions, I sought unwise counsel from misguided friends and co-workers. I remember being surrounded by those who chose abortion telling me,

“It’s no big deal.”
“You don’t need a baby now.”

That all seemed so true.

At one point, I visited a family who had adopted a few children. That dear woman invited me into her home, and I saw firsthand the love that an adoptive mom can have for her children.

God was awakening my heart to adoption.

However, the battle raged within me. No one could know I was pregnant. Shame, guilt, lies. It was easy to justify that what was living inside of me was “a clump of cells” at ten weeks. The father of my baby fed these lies to me daily, himself wanting to get rid of the problem altogether. The sooner I could abort, the better. Time was ticking.

THE NURSE AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD GAVE ME THE ANSWER I NEEDED: ABORTION.

And even better, the state I lived in did not require me to tell my parents about the abortion as long as I had a counseling session at the time of the appointment and it was approved. Easy enough.

The day arrived and the father of the baby and I sat in the waiting room. I nervously leafed through some magazines while he paid. In the magazine, I came across a type of postcard that read, choose life with a picture of a fetus in the womb. I abruptly closed the magazine and threw it to the side.

I heard my name called, and like a robot, I went through all the preliminary tests, one of which included an ultrasound which was turned away from me.

Finally, I arrived at the counselor’s office, knowing I would finally have the procedure done afterward. I just wanted to get it over with, so I tried to hurry through the session, not thinking too much about my answers.

At the end of my time with her, I hurriedly got up and rushed to the door.

But that counselor stopped me in my tracks with her words, “I won’t let you have an abortion today.”

“WHAT?! Oh yes, I will!”
She continued, “Not on my watch. You can come back tomorrow but it won’t happen today.”
“Why?” I responded.
She shared, “There were too many red flags. You said you weren’t sure if you want to kill your baby. People don’t say that. I can’t let you do this today.”

Kill my baby? I didn’t even remember saying those words. Feeling trapped and confused, I wondered what I would do.

Feeling disillusioned, I had no choice but to leave. As I pushed that big door to exit, I noticed the brightness and warmth of the spring sunshine. It was like a blanket of comfort surrounding me, and I knew I was never going back to that place. It took me 25 years to understand that God was guiding me in this scorched place. He put the card in the magazine, the counselor as a barricade, and gave me a protective love for my baby that day.

After I left the abortion clinic I see that God was giving me strength.

Even though the relationship with the father was falling apart, mostly because I wouldn’t go back to get the abortion, we both told my parents about the pregnancy. And how I underestimated them! Were they disappointed? Absolutely. They were sad to see my hopes and dreams take a back seat or possibly end. But they loved me, and they would support me as much as they could. I love them for that. God gave me the strength to tell.

AT THIS TIME I REALIZED I HAD A CHOICE TO MAKE.

Will I parent this child or place him in another home for two loving parents to raise?

My parents wisely set up a boundary I didn’t appreciate at the time: They would allow me to live at home for one year after the baby’s birth. After that, I had to move out on my own.

As difficult as that was to hear, it propelled me into reality. I began to investigate the option of adoption. I shared this thought with my teacher, Jan, at the alternative school I attended in the latter part of my pregnancy. She had me journal several times per week.

One day the topic was titled: I am a parent of a 5-year-old, what does my typical day look like? Another day: It is five years post-placement, what does a typical day look like?

I used to think Jan took an added interest in me because she worked with so many pregnant teens and it was rare for one of them to consider adoption. But I see now that Jan simply loved me. God was guiding and giving me strength through Jan.

Journaling, observing some single moms in their everyday lives, and hearing a few experiences from birth mothers helped me make a decision. Then one day out of the blue, my dad came home from work and told me that he knew of a couple that was looking to adopt. I was intrigued, so I made contact with those friends.

From the moment I met Mark and Paula, I knew that they would be excellent parents. A few things I knew for sure: I wanted my baby to be the oldest in the family and I wanted the mom to stay home with him. They were kind and open and they met all my requirements! Things seemed to be falling into place. Strength.

MY DUE DATE WAS LOOMING.

I knew I had to make a solid decision before I delivered. If I was not solid in my decision, I would cave once I saw him and keep him, even if that wasn’t the best choice for us. I had to resolve in my mind to place this baby.

Honestly, I was not ready to be a single mom. I didn’t want him to be in childcare all day and not have a dad that was consistent in his life. Even at eighteen, I knew those things were important for a little boy to become a man. So, I resolved. Strength.

The day finally arrived. I delivered a healthy 8-pound baby boy. The delivery was not without complications, one of which was my lung perforating. It was minor.

Once I laid eyes on this sweet boy, denial came back like a flood. He was beautiful. He was perfect. I held him, I was his mommy and I just wanted to pretend it would be that way forever. I spent two days in the hospital fulfilling that role by changing him, feeding him, and taking every detail of him into my mind.

The night before he was to go home to his new family I begged God to give me one more day with him. Not two or three or five, just one was all I needed. I would be more ready.

The next morning the doctor came in. He said he wanted to watch that perforated lung one more day. How good is our God? Full of lovingkindness! For the next 24 hours, I did not put my baby down as I watched the second hand on the clock tick away hoping it would just stop. But I knew the time must come for him to go home.

As planned, I laid him in his bassinet for the last time as the nurse rolled him away. My social worker was there for me to cling to as I saw my baby boy for the last time. It was heart-wrenching.

They were taking my whole heart out of that room that day. But I still knew deep down that it was for the best for both of us. I knew he was safe and he would have such a better life than I could provide at the time.

TIME HEALS. BUT THOSE FIRST DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS WERE SO EMPTY.

My arms felt empty, my heart felt like a cavern. I eventually went on with life. Almost every year I received pictures and letters from the family, keeping up on his beautiful life. And although my heart aches, even today, 30 years later, when I miss him, I have never once regretted placing him for adoption. Strength.

Much of this story was buried in my heart until a day in April of 2013 when I turned from my own dry, parched ways to the Source of Living Water. Ever since the day He rescued me, He has guided me, strengthened me, satisfied me, and watered all the dry, barren places.

The Living Water irrigated my broken sexuality into a garden of purity by renewing my mind and heart with His word. I now have a Father in heaven that has built a bridge by His Son so I have all the love and affection a daughter of the King needs. I have a Father who sees me from the inside out and loves me still.

From scorched to watered. Only our God.

Eren Moore is a birth mother, adoption supporter, and advocate for the sanctity of life. Since 2014, she has counseled women experiencing unplanned pregnancies at the Bloomington Pregnancy Resource Center. She also helps men and women with abortion-wounded hearts at Deeper Still retreats.

Keeping Secrets Keeps Us Sick {Guest Post}

Today’s post is a guest post written by Mara Petro. Mara is on staff with Life International and serves on the Deeper Still team in West Michigan. She wrote this post to explain what it is like for someone who has had an abortion attending a Deeper Still retreat. This post has more information about what happens at our retreats to help those considering attending understand more about the experience.

Thank you Mara for sharing with us today!

Nervous.  Hesitant to dredge it all up again.  She doesn’t want to feel the weight of guilt and shame that she’s been stuffing all these years.  She thought it was buried – but it doesn’t stay buried.  She thought it was manageable – but it’s not. It gets in the way – of everything.  It keeps her from loving fully. It keeps her from living fully. There’s always that fear of them finding out.  She knows that keeping her secret is keeping her sick — so she goes. 

With trepidation and doubt, she steps out in faith, reaching for the hem of the garment of the only One strong enough to take her burden and set her free. Jesus. The Savior sent to rescue her has been waiting to heal and redeem her secret, eager to say, go in peace.  In His loving arms, her baby waits to meet her.  But she’s not sure of that — yet.   

 This is how many women and men come to a retreat called Deeper Still, a post-abortion healing ministry.    

 In a beautiful setting away from life’s demands, several Deeper Still team members are waiting to share the love and compassion of Christ with those God is calling to Himself.   

Women and men who have come to the end of themselves are desperate for healing.  

 Several books and Bible studies are available to help abortion-wounded hearts, but Deeper Still retreats are unique.  At my own retreat and the subsequent retreats I have served on, there was an overwhelming feeling of God’s love and the love of the body of Christ. A kiss from heaven, some have said:  

God’s love leads to repentance and salvation, bringing healing and lasting freedom from guilt and shame.  

 From the time they arrive at the lakeside cottage on Friday until they leave for home on Sunday, our guests are prayed over, sung over, listened to, cried with, laughed with, and fed well with delicious food and the Word of God. They are guided in prayers of repentance, taking every thought captive into the obedience of Christ and exchanging the lies of the devil for the truth of God’s word.   

 Each morning brings assurance of God’s mercy and forgiveness. Ashes are exchanged for beauty. Mourning turns into dancing. Guilt and shame nailed to the cross of Christ, taken to the grave, and removed as far as the east is from the west.  

The crimson blood of Christ washes us white as snow. It is finished, and we are whole again. Forgiven.   

 Now she is sure her baby is with Jesus, waiting to meet her.  Though he was violently taken from her womb, she knows he’s been safely loved in heaven.  She knows that her son doesn’t hate her for what she did because he’s never known sin — only love lives in heaven. Believing God gave her a boy, she named him Joshua, and now she’s eager to meet him too.    

 No more secrets. Like the woman at the well, she is running to tell everyone about the Man who told her everything she ever did — and still loved her — still died for her — still chose her to tell His story of redemption.  

 These are the truths taught at Deeper Still retreats.  Jesus is the way out of guilt, shame, and fear.  Jesus is the way to healing and lasting freedom.  Jesus is the truth that dispels the lies of the enemy and the world.  Jesus is the life that saves us from death.    

 If you or someone you know has experienced an abortion or is contemplating one, there is help, hope, and healing waiting for you here. We understand you and love you.  We want to lead you to the Father who created you and your baby, the Father who offers you love and forgiveness through His son Jesus Christ so you can be free to live the abundant life, He came to give you.   

 Come to a place where truth meets grace.   

  

  

  

  

  

Abortion Recovery Awareness- Let’s Talk about This

Ouch. This is hard to talk about. Abortion is hard to talk about and uncomfortable for those outside the pro-life movement, and even some inside. Do we really need to talk about this? Is it ok to talk about this? Yes, please please please talk about this.

We sat in a foreign land where family planning wasn’t left up to individual choice for life. The pendulum had swung 180 degrees the other way where parents no longer could choose life after giving birth to one child. That policy has changed some since that time, but it takes time for cultural pendulums to shift course and swing for life. We sat across from ears hungry to hear about healing the abortion wounded, ears that never had heard anyone talk about the pain of abortion. Experienced pain–yes, but silence ruled, deafening the truth that abortion hurts women, abortion hurts men, abortion hurts families, abortion hurts cultures.

One of the ladies we were talking with had a look of surprise frozen on her face. She hesitantly asked, “Are you really going to talk about this? No one talks about this.” But her question wasn’t in offense, it was in hope, with a look and tone that begged us to talk about it…please talk about this.

If we don’t talk about it, who is going to?

1 in 4 women sitting in our churches have had an abortion. 1 in 4. Look down your row next Sunday and let that sink in. Look at every row allowing this sober truth to stir your heart.

As I sit here writing, it is difficult for me to go back to that place, the place of not being healed. But I try to remember.

Recovery looked different in various stages. The stages can mimic those of the stages of grief, after all, there is a loss and it is traumatic.

1. Denial: I was hurting but didn’t see how I could had made any other choice. My uncle asked me if I regretted my decision a few months after. I said, “No”.
2. Anger: Anger set in as I blamed my decision on others, lack of support, and judgement.
3. Bargaining: I would have done anything to change how I was feeling. Numbing became my chief tool. I wanted to hold onto the relationship with the boyfriend and father of my child lost to abortion desperately. Because it seemed if I could hold onto him, it would all be ok somehow.
4. Depression: This was through all the stages but deepened after the loss of the relationship with my boyfriend.
5. Acceptance: When I came back to Jesus, 5 years later, He began the healing journey. It has been through this journey that I have found peace and joy restored. It was long and arduous. I still hate that I choose abortion but I do not beat myself up for it or condemn myself any longer. Jesus paid the price in full, and He is the only reason I can be at peace.

Recovery can look different for each person and no two people recover and heal exactly the same. Jesus isn’t cookie cutter like that. Jesus isn’t into formulas, He’s into friendship. He wants to be your friend, and walk with you on the journey to recovery.

A healing retreat may be His next step for you or your first step. Whatever your step is, He wants to hold your hand and He won’t let you tumble. It isn’t His desire for you to stay in a place of condemnation or despair.

Friends, we are here to talk about this. We want to come alongside you in your healing journey. If you’d like to know more, please go to DeeperStill.org. If you are a pastor or ministry leader and want to know more, please reach out to us by email. It is time to be aware. It is time to talk about this.

Father, You know the end from the beginning. You know the choices we make and those we wish would could change. Father, lead us as we seek you for healing. We are desperate for you Lord. Father, I pray for you to bring a greater awareness of how abortion impacts women and men and families. May you bring healing and shift the pendulum in the direction of life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Searching for a Savior

For years I was lost, broken, trying to fill a hole. I found myself pregnant at the age of 19, in college, without hope. Those closest to me brought condemnation, shame, and guilt at the news. Out of desperation, I chose abortion with a false hope that my world would once again be “normal” and life could go on as usual. What I didn’t know was back to normal was not what I was searching for, what I was truly searching for was a savior. For a brief moment, I chose abortion to be my savior. This false savior left me more broken and more desperate than ever. It was an empty promise, and one that cost me dearly. Not only did it not deliver “normal”, but threw on heavy doses of shame on top of my already shaky world.

When we look to anything other than Jesus to be our hope, security, or escape, we are choosing a false savior. Only One can meet us at our greatest need and longing. He desperately desires to meet us there. Our idols are always a poor substitute for a savior. And when we continue to choose false saviors, we will ultimately need rescued from what we thought would save us.

Today we celebrate Good Friday. We rejoice because of the sacrifice Jesus, our Savior, paid on the cross, ALL our sins are washed away and we have been made new.

“For the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

The “joy” set before Him was you. He did it for you and me.

The choice of words “despising the shame” intrigue me. He was disregarding shame, calling it worthless. He was basically saying to shame, “You are worthless. You have no more power or authority.”

Eventually, after 5 years of trying to save myself through other false saviors, at the age of 24, I realized I needed the One true Savior. He rescued me and He wants to do the same for you. If you have been chasing after false saviors or trying to get back to “normal” on your own, today you can surrender your will to His. He defeated death and the grave. He is a personal Savior, and the only thing He requires is a heart saying yes to Him.

Jesus conquered sin and shame all for you, His beloved child, the apple of His eye, His joy, the reason He endured the Cross! This is the Savior we celebrate. He said, “It is finished!” and He meant every word. He is the only true Savior. He makes all things new!

Happy Good Friday!

Loving our Brother, a Christmas Prayer

Favorite hymns and brilliant new Christmas melodies fill the airwaves this time of year. Familiar phrases and timeless lyrics echo through stores, churches, streets, cities. What is familiar to us often goes unnoticed, like a pair of shoes on the stairs that gets passed by while hustling thirty times before you nearly trip over them.

Last Sunday I was in an unfamiliar church setting, perhaps that is why I noticed a verse never noticed before in a familiar old, favorite Christmas hymn, “Oh Holy Night” written by John S. Dwight in the mid 1800s. I nearly tripped over it when I heard it, heralding my attention.

“Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother and in His name all oppression shall cease.”

Below is the full verse.

“Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name”

These verses resonated with me for the broader sense of the truth they carry. We cannot ignore how these verses must have spoke during this period of history and continue to hold a valiant truth commanding continued notice. But the truth these verses proclaimed for me on a cold brisk Sunday morning in an unfamiliar church with unfamiliar people highlighted those who are captive and slaves to sin who we see daily living in spiritual chains.

What kind of chains do our brothers and sisters live in daily and what are we as the body of Christ doing when we see them bound up living under the torment of oppression? This is a question worth contemplating.

These chains can have many names: abortion, pornography, fornication, homosexuality, false witness, theft, etc (Matthew 15:19, Colossians 3:5, 1 Corinthians 7:2). Abortion is one of these chains.

The people we judge in sin are our brothers and sisters. We are no better. Our sin is just as grievous. Who are we to judge our brothers and sisters in the church?

If we, as the body of Christ, would follow the law of love, our hearts would break and our eyes would tear in seeing our brothers and sisters in bondage to past or present sin, and we would run in towards rather than away. I am speaking to myself as well.

“For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” Galations 5:14

We cannot see just another person on the row behind us in our churches or just another person behind the counter at the store, or a person begging on the street. Each of these are our brothers or potentially our brothers, each an image bearer of God, made for a purpose.

Oh Lord, give us your eyes to see those you put in front of us and pray for the chains to break, remembering every slave is our brother. Jesus it is in Your holy name all oppression shall cease. Jesus, help us run to those held captive, and not judge, but rather pray and love.

If you are a sister or brother who has been in chains due to the past sin of abortion, there is wonderful news for you! Jesus came in the form of a baby, was wrapped in swaddling clothes, and was laid in a manger not just so it would be cute to sing about. The gospel story is much more scandalous, powerful, and earth shaking. He loves you and came to die on a cross for you and your sins, to free you from the bonds of slavery and His powerful name breaks chains and oppression. This is the good news of the gospel of Christ! This is why He came–to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. The power of the gospel transforms lives. Believe. What a glorious Savior! What tremendous news! What a Christmas Gift!

There is a two fold prayer. If you are one who has been enslaved to the sin of abortion or any sin:

“Father, I have committed the sin of abortion. I confess and I repent of this sin. I know it grieved your heart and I am sorry I did not trust you to care for me and my unborn child and thought I needed to take matters into my own hands. I see now how this is a sin. Please forgive me. “

If you just prayed that prayer, God forgives you. His gospel is peace. Jesus paid it all.

The other prayer is for those of us in the church who have judged others in sin or for their past sin:

“Father, forgive us for judging our brothers and sisters who have been trapped in sin. Lord, help us to love them well and for the law of love to be written on our hearts. We know that it is your kindness that leads others to repentance. Help us to love and be kind to those who are hurting and struggling, not indifferent, cold, or harsh. Holy Spirit, may every time we sing “Oh Holy Night” remind us that every person enslaved is our brother that we are commanded to love. I pray we don’t get comfortable with those words, but pick up our cross and walk the law of love out daily and point to You, remembering that Holy Night long ago when you gave everything for us. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

Enjoy unwrapping the most beautiful Gift this Christmas! The Gift of forgiveness and love, Jesus incarnate, Immanuel. Unwrapped so we can live free.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend healing retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

History Belongs to the Intercessor – Our Role in Overturning Roe v. Wade

This Wednesday, Decemeber 1, a historical event will occur. The United States Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, challenging a Mississippi law that bans abortions after 15 weeks of pregnancy. This will be the first time the new conservative majority on the Supreme Court could restrict abortion law and possibly overturn Roe v. Wade.

This is no small matter. Roe v. Wade made abortion legal in the United States in 1973. On Jan 22, 1973, the Supreme Court, in a 7-2 decision, struck down the Texas law banning abortion, effectively legalizing the procedure nationwide.

Abortion is polarizing. Life is life. Biology is biology. There are truths that cannot be denied for mere convenience. The truth is that in an embryo, a heartbeat can be detected as early as 3-4 weeks (21-28 days) after conception (www.babycenter.com). This new law bans abortion at 15 weeks, 12 weeks after a heartbeat can be heard through transvaginal ultrasound.

Those opposing the Mississippi Law argue that the fetus is not viable until 24 weeks, meaning it cannot live outside of the womb. However, if left alone, the baby will continue to develop in the womb and grow to full-term. Viability outside of the womb is not a factor for concluding abortion is justified. Abortion is ending a life inside of the womb. The place the most vulnerable of lives should be safest is the most dangerous place on the earth to be with 18% of pregnancies ending in abortion in the United States (www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/induced-abortion-united-states).

If Roe v. Wade is overturned, abortion would be legally determined by each individual state. Currently, 26 states are reported to be likely to ban abortion with 21 of those states having laws or constitutional amendments already in place to ban abortion. These bans would differ state by state and more information can be found on https://www.guttmacher.org/article/2021/10/26-states-are-certain-or-likely-ban-abortion-without-roe-heres-which-ones-and-why .

The US Supreme Court will begin to hear this case on Wednesday, December 1, 2021. It will continue into the 2022 term and will most likely not be decided on until June 2022 (https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2021/05/18/supreme-court-just-took-case-that-could-kill-roe-v-wade-or-let-it-die-slowly/).

What is our role to play in this decision? Prayer. Abortion isn’t just a procedure. Abortion is ending a life, a life that would have most likely gone on to live and thrive, a life created by God with a purpose. Abortion isn’t our right to choose; abortion is stripping the right of a baby to live. Pregnancy is not just a bag of cells attached to a woman’s body; pregnancy is an all together separate life, a baby made in the image of God, designed with destiny.

Will you pray with us for this important case hearing? Please pray for truth to be told and to prevail, for the Supreme Court Justices, for the attorneys presenting, and for all involved.

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined. You have multiplied the nation, and increased its joy; they rejoice before You according to the joy of harvest, as men rejoice when they divide the spoil. For You have broken the yoke of his burden and the staff of his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor. As in the day of Midian, for every warrior’s sandal from the noisy battle, and garments rolled in blood, will be used for burning and fuel of fire.

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace there will be no end, upon the throne of David and over His kingdom, to order it and establish it with judgement and justice from that time forward, even forever. ” Isaiah 9:1-7

Father in Heaven, we bless Your name O Lord, Your Kingdom come, Your will be done. Lord, we lift up the Supreme Court Justices who will hear this case. Father, we ask for their ears to open to hear, for truth to prevail and be heard. Lord, we ask those presenting to speak truth and give them the words from Your lips O God. May no lies be uttered and may every falsehood be exposed. Lord, we ask for every Justice to listen to your leading. Lord, we know justice in the kingdom of heaven isn’t subject to time. Justice from You is just as it should be. Lord, be Lord over our land. Have mercy on our nation. May those who have been in darkness see a great light, Your light of truth reigning over the land. May what the enemy meant for evil be turned and used for good, to fuel a revival across this land. Jesus, may Your Kingdom be established forever and ever, Amen.

When God Reveals More of Who He Is

“Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; For the Lord will be your everlasting light and the days of your mourning shall be ended.” Isaiah 60:20

My fourteen-year-old daughter and I had gone away for a three-day girls’ trip to the beach. It was much needed time away. Three days of sand, peace, tranquility, mixed with laughter and joy. Ocean waves crashing over and over swept away every thought, washing away all the cares of the world. It was complete bliss.

The only complaint during the whole trip was that it was overcast. We saw the sun but perhaps a moment the entire three days. My daughter’s dream of a tan dashed. And at night, we went out on the beach in hopes of stargazing, but again, only darkness as clouds blocked out the moonlit sky. No twinkling little stars to be seen.

My daughter loves stargazing and sun-bathing. This lack of light was dampening but still we relished in the solace of ocean waves and sweet moments of togetherness.

On day three of no sun, I sensed my daughter’s disappointment. She loves sunrises and we had risen early with hopes to catch a glimpse of the sun as it rose above the horizon, carrying with it glorious shades of orange, pink, and gold. But again, we saw very little as clouds covered the beauty that laid beneath. We had prayed for sun. Where was it? What is with all these clouds?

Sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we think He should because He wants to reveal something new about who He is.

That morning oceanside, I flipped open my Bible and the Lord led me to Isaiah 60:19-20.

“The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you;

 But the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory.

Your sun shall no longer go down nor shall your moon withdraw itself;

For the Lord will be your everlasting light and the days of your mourning shall be ended.”

This word. This passage. The timing.

This passage may be referring to heaven where there will be no need for a sun or moon because of the Light of His all-surpassing glory will fill the whole earth and there will be no more mourning. But could it also be that that Lord wanted to use this passage to reveal more about who He is to me in this moment? And that the lack of light in the natural set the perfect stage for Him to reveal something in the spiritual?  A now word- A Rhema word.

He says He is the Light of the world.

If He is the Light and the sun and the moon are not needed for us to have light, does this mean that no matter what is going on around us or how dark a situation looks or how overcast it appears to be on the outside, we can be full of joy and hope because it isn’t dependent on our circumstances?

Yes. I do believe that is the message the Lord was speaking that day.

I do not know if He kept the clouds over the sun and the moon to make this point, but maybe He did. He does love us that much, to not answer our prayers for sunshine so He can show a new facet of who He is. He is the Light, He is our Light. His is a Light that never goes out and never goes down. It is always present. He is the everlasting Light, always with us showing us the way and leading us.

Could it be then when we have this revelation of who He is and that His indwelling presence fills us with His Light and joy, that is when the days of mourning shall be ended. Not because there isn’t something to mourn but because His light within outshines all else.

His Light is eternal and though darkness fills this earth, His Light shines in and through us. He is the Light.

On a funny note, I shared this message with my daughter, who wittily replied, “That is nice that God is our sun and our moon, and our Light, but can He be my tan too?” 

There might be another lesson in that another day. ; )

Dear Lord, thank you for revealing more of who you are! Thank you that no matter what is going on around us or how dark the world around us gets, you are the everlasting Light. Thank you that you are our sun and our moon and stars. Help us to see Your Light all around us and be the Light within drawing others to you and your glory. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Questions:

1. Can I recognize or remember a time when God did not answer a prayer like I thought He would, but He revealed something more about Himself to me?

2. Is there a situation in my life where God seemingly hasn’t answered that I can ask what is He saying to me in this?

3. How has God shown you He is Your Light?

Would love to hear from you in the comments as you consider these questions!

The Tattoo My Daughter Wants

“And through Him (Jesus), He reconciled all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.” Colossians 1:20

Dry heat engulfed us as we walked the streets of our vacation destination. Around every corner the word “TATTOO” jumped off the buildings, catching the eye of my teenage daughter. A conversation was sparked with our family as to what tattoo we would get if we ever ventured into one of those obscure shops. Mostly the talk was light as we fluttered around different ideas, tossing them into the air and went on our way forgetting the thoughts nearly as quickly as they were muttered. Until my daughter said hers. Her idea wasn’t a whim. This one had been formulating in her mind and simmering there for some time. Her idea arrested me as soon as the words were uttered.

My daughter simply said, “The tattoo I want is the word ‘Sister’ surrounded by a heart.”

To the random person overhearing this conversation, this would seem perhaps odd, but then it would be brushed off and reasoned away that she is a sister of two brothers wanting to proclaim her sisterhood to the world. For me, however, this was no mystery, the reason for this tattoo was clear and heart stopping.

Thankfully no one asked why and everyone went on with other conversations, going to the next topic. But this comment lingered in the air, not easily forgotten like the others. This one hovered and is likely not going anywhere until it perhaps lands on her arm or ankle one day.

Today is the anniversary date of when I had my abortion, or more accurately, when I choose to end the life of my first child. Harsh perhaps, but true. It was twenty-eight years ago. Many who have had an abortion suffer when thinking of the anniversary date, but the Lord has redeemed this date for me in so many ways. I actually rarely think of it but knowing it was coming gave me reason to want to write this post.

For years I have written about how abortion impacts lives and hearts, but the sibling component isn’t discussed much in post-abortive or pro-life circles.

Abortion impacts the siblings of the child lost. Being very open about my abortion, I knew it was important for my children to hear about it from me. All three of my children know. Also, I didn’t want to hide my past from them. Secrets are never free.

My teenage daughter, who has a very tender and sensitive heart, has commented on her sister in heaven many times and even has a stuffed bear in memory of her. She loves her sister and like me, looks forward to meeting her one day. My heart breaks a little every time I hear her say something about how she wishes she had her sister here. But she must grieve, as we all must, those we love and lost. It is healthy to grieve and recognize the loss.

I have had much emotional healing in regard to my abortion, so much in fact that it can be possible for me to forget that part of my past and story. It feels like a lifetime ago and I am a different person now, made new by the blood of Jesus. But events like this one are good for me and it is good that I feel a slight twinge when I hear my teenage daughter’s covert pain. To not feel anything would be more concerning and dishonoring to my daughter in heaven. She is a real person. Sometimes it is easier to forget, but I am thankful for the times of remembrance. Her memory is worth more than being tossed out into the wind, forgotten as a careless word on a hot day.

The promise of eternity and of meeting her one day fills my heart with joy and lifts me to a place of peace, resting in the ever present assurance that our God is big and amazing and nothing is too much for Him. No sin is too beyond His forgiveness and no breach of relationship is beyond His repair. We are reconciled to Him and the glorious hope of reconciliation with our lost ones safe in His care.

My teenage daughter may or may not get a tattoo that says “Sister” on it (I’ve asked her to wait until she is at least eighteen) but regardless of an external mark, her name, Kori Danielle, is tattooed on our hearts forever. We love you Kori and look forward to the day we can meet you. We honor you.

Father, we thank you for the glorious hope of eternity. We thank you that while we were still sinners, you loved us and sent Jesus, our Savior for us, and Christ died for us, so we could live forever with you. Thank you that no sin is too big and no breach is too wide. Thank you that the cross and blood of Jesus made a way for us. Lord, we pray for all those who have lost a child to abortion, that they would find hope and healing in you. And we pray for those who have lost siblings to abortion, that you would comfort their hearts and give them reassurance of the hope in you. For those reading this today who haven’t thought of this component before, we ask for your grace to cover and healing balm to soothe hurting hearts. Take us deeper in our healing, knowing you in deeper ways. We love you Lord. Thank you for loving us so well. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

In Case You Missed It!

In 2013, I attended the Deeper Still Fundraising Banquet for the first time. My friend, Emily, invited me. When I received the invitation, I didn’t need to think or even pray about it, I had been waiting for her invitation. I was an immediate yes, I’m in! Every year since for the past eight years there has been a night I join in getting all gussied up, put on my best, and gather with others in a full room to hear testimonies of God’s goodness, redemption, and healing at the Deeper Still Fundraising Banquet. It is a night I personally look forward to every year. This year it looked a bit different.

There were no linen tablecloths, no flower arrangements, no stage or podium. This year it was in the comfort of our living rooms. Instead of evening gowns, we adorned night gowns, and instead of suits, cozied in jammies. The testimonies were as powerful as ever! I watched in the comfort of my living room with my family, which consists of 3 teenagers, my husband and a goldfish named Squishy. Not sure what Squishy thought of it, but my family loved it!

Our oldest son, Joe, who is 18 years old had this to say, “It was very moving to hear a man talking about the bears, his vulnerability was so brave.” What a powerful example of the strength of vulnerability. I was so thankful my teenage sons could hear this man’s story. All three of my kids were moved by what they heard.

We know life is busy and you may have missed it Tuesday night! But another bonus to a virtual event is it can happen over and over again with just the click of a mouse!

My life changed in 2013. I was never again the same. I said yes to a banquet, attended a retreat, and 8 years later, I still love how the Lord moves and works in this ministry. Since that night, I have served on countless retreat teams, traveled to other countries, and the Lord continues to blow me away with His heart to see His beloved free, healed, and whole.

My hope is that I’ve peeked your curiosity! My prayer is that there is a yes in your heart to this invitation! You are invited!

To watch, just go to www.DeeperStillBanquet.org

If you feel led to give to the ministry of Deeper Still, we’d love to have you partner with us!

Three ways to make a donation towards our 2021 Banquet:

Scan the QR code below with your smartphone camera and open the link that pops up at the top

OR you can click here https://secure.egsnetwork.com/donate/D54D27AF4AAA4B9

OR by visiting  www.DeeperStillBanquet.org  to Give Online

Your donations allow us to do our retreats free of charge and support the staff of the Deeper Still Home Office in Knoxville, TN as the Lord continues to expand this ministry across the nation and the world. Our God so longs to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. It’s why He came! Thank you for investing in the Kingdom!