Our Secret

“Those who look to Him are radiant; and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Psalm 34:5

Secrecy is a fearful place to be. We sit wondering, living in fear that one day someone will find out that ugly, shameful secret we are carrying around. Abortion. The dark little secret no one wants to talk about because of the scandal of it all.

As long as we think we have our sin safely hidden, the accuser will keep our hearts in bondage. The disadvantage of that bondage is that we continue to suffer in silence. We may look all put together on the outside, but inside we are living in emotional chaos. Freedom will be just out of our reach, although we long for it desperately.

James 5:16a states: “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.” I believe God’s word is quite clear about how we obtain our healing, our freedom. I went through a program, and one of the things they taught us is this: “We can not heal what we do not acknowledge.” This is why it is important to tell our story. Our secret.

I didn’t want others to know I had one abortion, let alone three. In my mind, one was shameful enough, but to admit to multiple abortions, well, I didn’t dare. So, in comes the uneasiness that someone closest to me (mainly my children) would find out and their perception of me would be marred. What would others think? The lie I was fed was this; “You’re an awful person for ending the lives of your children. Not one, but three, no way that secret is coming out.”

So, I ran and hid just like Adam and Eve. I was covered in shame. That humiliation affected every area of my life. Especially my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

It brought about a lack of intimacy with God. However, God came looking for me just as He did with Adam and Eve. He knew what was hidden behind the veil. I wasn’t hiding anything from Him. Jesus had already given His blood for me. He had already corrected my wrong. Who was really suffering here? Me.

It’s imperative that we bring the hidden sin into God’s glorious light. Proverbs 28:13a states: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, he who confesses and abandons them will find mercy.” I looked up “find mercy.” In the Hebrew it means this; “It’s a deep sympathy and sorrow felt for another struck with affliction, accompanied with a desire to relieve the suffering.” God so graciously chooses to have mercy on us and to alleviate our inner suffering.

When I chose to be transparent, my children and others didn’t love me less. I was met with compassion and forgiveness. God had prepared the way. He covers and protects us. We must trust Him to take care of those scary details.

Sharing our story brings a certain amount of freedom. Ignoring it and pretending you are okay will never allow your wounds to heal. It remains a hidden sin.

Psalm 34:5 states: “Those who look to Him are radiant; and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Go to God. Look to Him to be in the midst of your confession. Prayer beforehand is a must. God will surely bring peace into the situation. You can TRUST HIM in all things.

It is the beginning to receiving a complete healing and transformation in your life. It also brings about a more intimate relationship with God and your loved ones. Truly, it is about trusting Him with your uttermost secret. It is knowing that He will work this secret out for your good when you confess.

What He wants most for us is healing and freedom. Lean into the One who knows and loves you most. Jesus gives beauty from the ashes of abortion. He did it for me, He will definitely do it for you.

Jesus, thank you for bringing beauty where there were ashes. We praise you for your mercy, compassion and forgiveness of our sins. Thank you for the freedom you bring into our messes. Amen.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend healing retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to DeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Bound and Gagged, Now Unchained

“Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors opened and everyone’s chains were loosed.” Acts 16:26

After having an abortion, life can feel like a prison, locked in a cell of secrecy. This is a dark and lonely place–a place of confinement. Confined, because of that secret, and the guilt and shame that comes with it. Chains can become wrapped securely around the heart, gagged and bound, some of us for years.

In Acts 16:25-26, we find the story of Paul and Silas being thrown into the inner prison where their feet were fastened in the stocks. There was no way they could escape that cell. Yet, they began to worship and sing hymns to the Lord. They were dealing with their situation best they could.

Those with abortion wounds and trauma, may be able to worship in chains as Paul and Silas did, but our hearts have a lock on the door. It is securely wrapped and bolted tight. We may know God forgives us, but we can’t seem to receive that forgiveness. Some of us are not open to receive that precious gift. We do not feel deserving or worthy of such love that only comes from Jesus.

The key out of the chains, the only key that works, is our Healer Jesus.

Verse 26 is the one I want to focus on. It states: “Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors opened and everyone’s chains were loosed.”

Suddenly. When I went through the Deeper Still retreat, like an earthquake, God shook apart the foundation of shame, guilt, and my voicelessness. It all came crumbling to the ground in a pile of ruin. Thank you Jesus!

After all that bondage was shaken loose, it was time to rebuild the infrastructure. First, I had to give Him the authority to work on me by throwing up a white flag. Complete surrender was a choice. Then, suddenly, a new soft and pliable heart began to come forth.

I received a new identity. No longer was I a slave to my sin of abortion. I was finding out just who I was to my Savior. I began to walk through open doors of healing and restoration. Reformation began. I could finally relate to Isaiah 55:12. I went out with joy, and was led out with peace. Peace, something that was foreign to me.

To experience freedom, joy and peace after living in prison– I am not the same woman I use to be! I am being changed from glory to glory ever drawing closer to my Father. He who opened the door to my heart and unfastened my chains, be glory, honor and praise forevermore. I no longer live in a prison cell. Chains no longer have me bound. I have been set free!

Thank You for the freedom that comes from you Jesus. Help us to stand firm, and to not let ourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. For you have set us free, and because of You, we are free indeed. Hallelujah!! Praise, glory and honor to You, our Redeemer!!

Joy Comes After the Mourning…

We are going to touch on a hard subject this time around. Death and mourning. Now don’t stop reading, because Joy is coming…

Mourning: the act of feeling or expressing sorrow. What are the stages of mourning a loss? We all know the process of mourning a death. But, with abortion, it is a different type of mourning (in my opinion), accompanied with plenty of other feelings that do not necessarily go with that particular process.

I chose to take the lives of my babies. Yet, we grieve all the same. Whether by choice or forced we lost a child(ren). We do not understand the emotions, especially if we chose it. Either way, the grieving process starts. We are mourning a loss.

For my abortion wounded heart, regret and sorrow was immediate. I automatically fell to my knees begging God to forgive me, as sorrow filled my soul. There was an aching in my soul I had never experienced.

Because of the shame and secrecy that is attached to abortion, we are left to deal with the grief alone. We tend to dismiss the grief. We do not want to talk about it nor do we feel we should or can. Emotional pain oozed out of me in my choices, numbing myself daily one way or the other. The buried pain of grief pushed through in my behaviors, it could not be contained.

After many years of self-reproach, I went to a healing program at my son’s insistence and there let go of my children. The woman who helped me through this grueling process was an angel. She is the one who encouraged me to let them go and stayed on the floor with me until I released them. When I did, I found some joy. Mostly, I found forgiveness from God and gave myself forgiveness.

At this program, they have a dance party to celebrate our hard work. This was a dance of rejoicing, of freedom from our yesterdays. I was in my sock feet twirling, running and jumping around like the set free girl I now was. I felt so light and free. Psalm 30:11 says, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.“ My sackcloth and ashes were gone. I was a different person. I could see the girl I was before I had my abortions. I felt a huge burden lift off of me and began to deal with the loss in a healthy way.

In 2017, my love for Jesus became real in my heart. I fell in love with my Savior as He led me deeper in the process of healing and my joy became stronger.

Then in the Spring of 2018, I went to my Deeper Still retreat. Little did I know what Jesus was going to do for me there. I had even told some friends before I went, “I’m healed. I’m just going to see what it is all about.” At that time I was becoming involved in the Deeper Still chapter in Arkansas and to serve on the team, it is required to first go through a retreat. Unbeknownst to me, I was still mourning some choices I had made. While there, I dealt with some hateful feelings towards a few men. At Deeper Still, I found total healing and my mourning was completed.

My Redeemer restored my joy! When I came back home, I was given a name by a sweet friend of mine, our chapter leader. She calls me “The Joy Messenger” and I treasure that name. I was dead inside for so many years, to finally be filled with God’s joy was quite foreign to me. I had never seen myself as full of joy. I was healed, set free and chains fell off, my life made new! My life has changed because of what my Jesus did.

I can now worship the Lord with carefree freedom from constraint. I love the scripture Isaiah 61:1-3. My favorite is verse 3; “To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” The Holy Spirit brought thankfulness that has joy bubbling at its edges. The merriness seeps from my person. The darkness and valleys of death became places where the presence of God brought healing. Now that is something to celebrate! He has given me His oil of joy. He has plenty and He is waiting to spill it out on all who desire it. Psalm 43:4 says; “Then I will go to the altar of God, To God my exceeding joy; and on the harp I will praise you. O God, my God.” See, a joyful ending!

Lord, last weekend we celebrated Easter, a celebration of NEW LIFE in Christ! We ask for you to anoint our lives with the oil of joy, a joy only found in You alone. Allow the light of Your glory to burn brighter and hotter with Your oil of joy. Thank you for turning our mourning into dancing and filling us with joy. Amen!

Also this weekend, there are 7 Deeper Still retreats being held across this nation. Will you pray with us for joy to be restored for all those attending as they lean into the healing and freedom from our Jesus!

And the Waves Came

“The boat was now in the middle of the sea, tossed by the waves, for the wind was contrary.” Matthew 14:24

Horses, like humans, have peripheral vision. Their eyes are on the sides of their head, which indicates that they are hunted. They are even able to sense what is sneaking up on them. Their instinctive traits of always looking and listening to everything around them, keeps them nervous and make it difficult to maintain their focus. Therefore, horses are easily distracted and nervous creatures. Horses wear blinders to reduce stress, which is critical to their safety, their rider and anyone in it’s path. These coverings help them to focus on the task at hand and causes them to relax and trust the driver.

Horses are quite similar to human beings. Like horses, we can become easily distracted by life and all that that entails. Out of nowhere certain thoughts can creep back into our minds. We know that distraction, fear, and worry are tools the enemy uses to get our eyes off of Jesus. I know it is for me! Is it for you?

Let’s look at Matthew 14:24; “The boat was now in the middle of the sea, tossed by the waves, for the wind was contrary.” The disciples were alone out in the sea, or so they thought. Then the storm came up and Jesus proceeds to join them and does so by walking on the water towards the boat. They are troubled because they did not recognize Him, which caused them to cry out. Then in verse 27, Jesus states: “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” Peter doubts that it’s Jesus and wanted Him to command that he join Him on the water. Jesus did just that! Peter, looking at Jesus, walks out onto the troubled sea. But right in the middle of the miracle, He takes his eyes off Jesus and sinks. A pair of blinders would have come in handy in that moment.

Peter was distracted by the massive winds and waves. We have an enemy who wants to distract and throw us into the sinking ocean of doubt concerning our healing. He is sure to remind us of our sin of abortion. Once we are set free from the bondage, the enemy will dig his heels in and war begins. He does not want us to live in freedom!

Warning, waves are headed our way. The enemy is always ready to remind us of our past, with swells of guilt and shame sweeping over us, causing us to lose balance and be tossed under.

If we could only wear those flaps over our eyes, keeping them fixed on who goes before us, we would be ready for the incoming waves. When we take our eyes off Jehovah Rapha, our Healer, we tend to fall back into old patterns of negative condemning thoughts, causing us to sink into despair.

But then Peter proceeds to cry out and asked the Lord to save him. Notice he had to ask Jesus for help! Then verse 31 says; “Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Jesus is calling us to walk on the water with Him, to trust Him, even when the waves of our thoughts are billowing over us.

I read that draft horses develop a keener relationship with the driver when wearing blinders. I need to have blinders to protect me from getting caught up in the wind whispering how I use to see myself due to the abortions. When these thoughts come, as they sometimes do, I will consciously start saying; “All I see is my Lord and Savior and how He redeemed me from my sin.” That is all Jesus sees as well.

It takes daily encounters with the Lord. We need to concentrate on His truths, His promises, His character and TRUST He is who He says He is. We also need to remember that we are who He says we are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8 tells us exactly who we are in Jesus. We have been forgiven and there is no more condemnation through what He did for us on the cross. None.

We may not have physical “blinders” to wear, but His word, His presence, worship and praying unfailingly will keep our eyes focused and our feet firm when the waves come. With eyes on Truth, we can stay walking on the waves, living in freedom.

Lord, in this day and time there are so many distractions and pressures in our minds. Help us to keep our eyes firmly set on You, the Author and Finisher of our faith. Our Shepherd, Savior, Healer, and our Peace. Draw us close to You, with our gaze forever looking straight into Your face. We ask this in Jesus name. We love You Lord. Amen

An Emotional Wreck…

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses. He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness.” Psalm 107:19-21

Having an abortion is a traumatic event for those who have been through one. After experiencing a traumatic event, it is common to encounter strong emotional feelings and then find we are behaving differently. We may not recognize the behavior for quite a while and we certainly do not associate it with our abortions. Unbeknownst to us, the emotional consequences from that trauma have just started. The abortion world does not tell you that you will suffer emotionally. They tell you it will solve your “problem.”

I have spoken to many women who have suffered emotionally from abortion. I am one of those women. The emotional side effects alone can be devastating in a life. Let’s take a look at the emotional side effects of abortion: Guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, unworthiness, unforgiveness of ourselves and others, fear, numbness of feelings, deep regret, thoughts of suicide, reduced motivation, lack of trust, drug and alcohol abuse, abusive relationships, promiscuity, acting out in anger or rage, loss of interest in relationships, difficulty with intimacy, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, excessive crying, appetite disturbances, grief, irrational behavior, detachment, (difficulty bonding with your living children), overprotective of living children (this was me), and expected retribution.

I personally experienced almost everyone of these emotional side effects. Our reaction to things are bigger than logic. This is where Post-Abortion Syndrome shows up. This happens when your traumatic experience triggers old unresolved issues or is just simply too traumatic for your brain to process. I was not processing what happened, but rather spiraling out of control living in shame. I couldn’t face myself. I was masking the pain not knowing at the time, that my behavior was due to the abortions.

Shame is a painful feeling that is a mix of regret, self-hatred, and dishonor. Shame alone brings in all the other side effects of abortion. I had dishonored not only God who is the giver of life, but also dishonored my children by taking their lives and their God given purpose away. My self-hatred lead to a horrendous lifestyle of self-abuse along with allowing others to harm me. I felt I was living in a horror movie that had no end. I had put myself, through my choices, in a cavum so deep, I saw no way out.

The abortion world claims abortion will give you peace of mind in your unplanned situation, however the truth is it most often destroys a woman’s emotional well being and self-destructive behavior can result.

Darkness had surrounded me too long. I was desperate for change…

Change came. There is always hope with God. I thank Him everyday for protecting me through those times, pursuing me. God loved me, wanted to save me, and protect me. He is my rescuer. Hallelujah! He can set you free also. He is faithful, loving and forgiving. He restores, redeems and rescues. If you have had an abortion, there is a God who wants to heal, restore and redeem you! There is freedom waiting, just let Him in.

You can contact Deeper Still and sign up for an upcoming retreat. Miracles happen at this retreat. At my retreat, I was emotionally set free and physically healed from Fibromyalgia!

Lord Jesus, Thank you for setting this captive free, and delivering us from so great a death and that You still deliver us daily. I am grateful that I can tell others of Your healing power, so that all may be set free. All glory and honor are Yours Lord Jesus. We love you!! Amen.

Do You Want to be made Well?

“When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, ‘Do you want to be made well?'” John 5:6

“Do you want to be made well?” How many times have I been asked that question? How many times have I asked that question of others? We may say “yes,” and then continue wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. I am well aware of this prison. I lived it. Unforgiveness is hard to live with, especially when it is directed at ourselves. So, do we want to be made well? And if so, how?

My sin of abortion left me marred. The behavior that came from that choice had a ripple affect of running in guilt and shame from God for numerous years. All of that running caused more sin and rebellion. Year after year, I laid there and stayed in that prison cell of my own making. It became my home. I mean, how could I leave the comforts of “home.” Many times I thought, “Would there ever come a day when I didn’t feel this way?”

One commentary on John 5:6 stated that this was the only occurrence where Jesus asked a question without being addressed first. Why did He ask that question? It is considered He wanted to awaken the man out of his lethargy and despondency. An invitation into the first step towards his healing. Even when Jesus asked the man that question, the man replied with an excuse to why he couldn’t be healed. He stated in verse 7, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” The lame man’s hope in the pool is very similar to our culture today. How many times do we look to everything and everyone else before turning to Jesus for our healing? We go to counselor’s, take meds, go to all different kinds of programs available, all of which is good and God does use those to heal. Yet it often seems healing is continually one step beyond our reach.

Just recently I have heard several people say, “I do not want to feel the pain.” Of course, who likes pain? It is easy to be disinclined to exert ourselves, comfortable in our pain, and tucked into our shame and guilt. I can remember thinking, “What would that look like to be healed from my past?” The pain fit like an old pair of jeans that is hard to part with, yet there are holes in them and desperate in need of repair. I had fallen into the abyss of apathy with no emotions or feelings left. Indifference became normal and apathy a background tempo. All fundamental hope that personal happiness is possible seemed lost. But apathy does not have to have it’s way. We can give apathy the fight of it’s life and change the beat of our life, even though doing so feels like it will take every bit of energy we have left.

I had lived in despondency way too long, I couldn’t imagine what joy, peace and happiness would even begin to look like. To be free, was a foreign concept to me. Would I even recognize myself? I would no longer be a victim. All that attention that I was getting from being a victim would be gone. The familiarity and sense of connection to the guilt and shame would be lost and a new identity found. Who would I even be after being healed?

Tired and wretched after years of living this way, I wanted nothing more than to step into a life of freedom. And stepping forward, moving slowly, the Lord took my hand inviting me to “Rise, take up my bed and walk.”

He asked me again, “Do you want to be made well?” YES I DID. I made a choice to force myself, yes force, to uproot what resided so deep inside and face the pain. Was it easy? NO. But, every minute of pain that I had to go through to be made well was worth it. Jehovah Rapha, my Healer, surgically stitched me back together again and placed His healing balm in my heart, giving me a new heart- a whole heart. He can do the same for you. He is amazing at healing. All it takes is surrender, to say, “Yes! I am ready Lord.” Please accept His invitation and allow Him the opportunity. Your life will never be the same.

“Rise, take up your bed and walk!”

Jesus, thank you for never giving up on us and always there waiting for us to say, “Yes, we want to be made well.” How grateful we are for Your saving grace and Your healing touch. There is nothing like it. We love you Jesus. Amen

What better way to begin the new year then accepting Jesus’ invitation towards wholeness. Jesus is right there with an invitation to heal, whether it is the first step towards healing or you are already on your journey:

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend healing retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Waiting on the Lord…

“Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like Eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord to wait.” Isaiah 40:31

As a mother, we want the very best for our children, especially their “yes” in receiving our Lord and Savior into their hearts. My youngest child was certainly not wanting anything to do with following Christ. She was driven by past trauma to stay away from anything Jesus.

In July 2019, she had something happen to her that caused her to sink further into a state of depression that medicine couldn’t help. Only Jesus could be the answer for her devastated heart. She was searching and involved in everything but Him. It was reeking havoc in our home.

I had been praying for her salvation for several years. But now, I was praying for her life. See, she wanted to die. This situation, for me, gave a whole new meaning to waiting on the Lord.

One night in particular, I felt I was in the middle of a nightmare and couldn’t wake up. I went into my “shecave” and was crying like a baby, a ocean of tears were pouring out. I cried out to God saying, “Where are you? I have nothing left to pray. Please give me a scripture, something, anything to give me hope.” All I could say was His name, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” I heard Him say, “Psalms 46.” I scrambled for His Word in desperation, hungry for what He had to tell me concerning this situation.

Psalms 46:1 states, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” I was sure knee deep in trouble and needed strength only He can give. I continued to read and there it was verse 10, “Be still, and know that I am God.” He was telling me, “Wait on Me, I am God. I will deliver.”

Have you been waiting on the Lord to answer you concerning something you specifically want from Him? In our fast pace culture we want everything handed to us right now. We do not like to wait. I know I don’t! Patience is not a virtue I tend to have. We get impatient and forge ahead of God like we are in a race. By the time we have done all we can do and not seeing an answer, we become exasperated, as I was.

When we feel He isn’t answering us quick enough, we start out by fussing to our Heavenly Father, which eventually turns into us having a full blown toddler fit! I know I was having a tantrum that day. I felt I was kicking and screaming to get His attention.

He listens so patiently, then lovingly says, “Wait on Me; Be of good courage, I will strengthen your heart; Wait, I say wait on Me!” Psalm 27:14. In this particular verse, He tells us three times to wait. In the last sentence, He reiterated twice, He knows something we don’t. He most definitely can handle it on His own and so much better than we can. I tend to get in His way.

So instead of getting all bent out of shape, frustrated, beside ourselves with worry, anxiety, and anger, what lesson can be learned? I learned to trust Him and believe His word. I had staked a claim over my family. “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15b. I had to trust that He would bring this to pass.

I drew closer in the waiting. I prayed harder than I believe I ever have for someone or something. All I needed to do was rest in the bosom of Jesus, clinging to Him in the waiting. I decided (even though I could still get in worry mom mode) to rest in His loving arms.

We know He works things to our good, so why fret. I was doing my best to not get in God’s way or be fretful. I know He is faithful and trustworthy, so I laid her at His feet, waiting on Him. (So very hard to do for this control freak).

In July, 2020, my precious daughter gave her “Yes” to Jesus. Now this momma was shouting Hallelujah from the mountain tops. Her life changed that day. My dear friends let me tell you she is on fire for God. She has been at YWAM, a discipleship training school for the last 3 months. She will be going to Tanzania in July of this year for 6 weeks on a missions trip.

See God knew something I didn’t. He knew just how to draw her to Him and He did just that. Of course it wasn’t on my time frame, but His. His timing is perfect. So be encouraged in the waiting…..

Lord Jesus, help us, while in the waiting, to trust You, to draw closer to you, knowing you are in control. Teach us Lord to wait on You because Your timing is perfect. Amen

His Love is Fierce

He tore through the atmosphere for me! He wanted me to know the depths of His fierce love for me!

“I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick.” Ezekiel 34:16a

In 1998, the church I was attending was putting out original worship music. So at the request of the congregation we did a live worship album. What an experience it was to be a part. We spent many weeks practicing the music and getting prepared. The people came. The Holy Spirit was definitely present.

We were singing the last song, which was about God’s holiness. I was worshipping, looking toward the sky, when, all of a sudden, it was as if a white screen dropped down. It was like I was watching a movie; only I was in it.

I saw an image of my Heavenly Father and my children. I heard the Father gently whisper, “We have forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself.” With that, it ended. He tore through the atmosphere for me! He wanted me to know the depths of His fierce love for me!

You see, after having abortions, one of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself and receive God’s forgiveness and His love.

I was in awe of what God had shown me. I shared this with my closest friend and she asked the question, “Are you going to finally forgive yourself?” How could I forgive myself or receive His forgiveness? I mean, I murdered my unborn children, how do you get past that? How does God?

Even after that glorious experience, I continued resisting receiving His forgiveness and still was not able to forgive myself. I lived in shame for another twelve long years. I was running from the one who loved me most. I was looking for a love that no man could ever fulfill, making self-destructive choices. Four abusive relationships later, going back and forth from God to the world, I found myself in the darkest of pits–so deep and dark, I could barely see a glimmer of light to find my way out. But, in the distance, a glow was there calling me out.

When I started walking toward that flicker of light, Jesus, He changed me. It was a strenuous and back-breaking process to say the least. All I can say is that it was worth the pain I had to go through to get out of the dark and into His glorious light.

God’s Word says, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.” Psalm 139:7, 8.

I had sure made my bed in hell. But God…

I want you to know, sons and daughters, if you are struggling to receive His forgiveness and fierce love, He will stop at nothing to get you back. He wants you to know His unfailing love. Most importantly, to receive it! What amazes me is He chases us down, He seeks us out. There is a song I love called, “Fierce”. Take a moment to listen. His love is relentless in His pursuit. He is fighting for us. He battles our adversary and our free will. Even with those odds, He doesn’t stop. I pray you find comfort in knowing that. I thank God that He never stopped pursuing me through those dark years. His love will miraculously change your life. He is my Champion!

Heavenly Father, thank you for never giving up on us and Your fierce love that never ceases. Help us to receive Your love and return to You with a love just as fierce in our pursuit of You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

Forgiveness, Freedom

“And the Lord restored Job’s losses when he forgave and prayed for them. Indeed the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.” Job 42:10

The purpose of forgiving people is not to let them get away with what they have done or to live as if their actions didn’t harm you. The purpose is to let yourself stop being angry, bitter and having to fight off resentment in every area of your life. This applies to forgiving ourselves as well.

In 1987, I had my first abortion. The consequences of that sin began a journey of me digging a massive pit that I threw myself into. My womb was empty at my hand and I thirsted for the child I had just killed. The realization of that set in immediately. So did unforgiveness. Self-loathing began, while self-destructive mode set in.

I was doing anything and everything to numb myself from the pain of what I had done. This included drugs, alcohol, partying, and men. At this point I was uninterested in the rest of my life. I was going through the motions. If it wouldn’t have been for my son, I believe I would have ceased to exist. My choices led me to two more abortions, 5 husbands and reckless living. My life was in shambles. Most of the relationships I chose were physically, sexually or verbally abusive.

Depending on your depth of unforgiveness and how long you’ve been carrying it around, it will certainly destroy your life. Unforgiveness is a killer to your soul and your health! I became callous, unsympathetic, and heartless. One of the men, whose child I aborted, told me I was the most coldhearted (I’ll be nice here) person he had ever met.

The weight of unforgiveness is grueling; it will paralyze you. I couldn’t live with the fact that I had killed my own children. Thus, my pit that I was living in.

24 years after my first abortion, I finally forgave myself (it was harder than natural childbirth). It was laborious to say the least. Grueling even. To offer myself forgiveness, seemed unattainable. By the grace of God, I did. Freedom came. To some extent…

“Bearing a grudge can hold you back and even damage your health.” Dr. Ken Hart. “It is a major reason why people don’t heal.” Bowie, MD

I was so full of bitterness, unforgiveness and hate towards the abusers, that my body hurt constantly. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2014. The causes of Fibromyalgia include emotional trauma, viral infections, and physical injuries. Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues.

In the spring of 2018, I went to my Deeper Still Retreat. Its name rings true, I did go deeper still. I went through the process of “Debt Paid in Full” where we were to forgive others, ourselves, judgments that we held against ourselves, and how we punish ourselves. I fought painfully hard to forgive the abusers. The stress of that process caused me to have a migraine that day. The amazing thing that took place through that act of obedience, is God healed me instantly of Fibromyalgia (which was caused by emotional and physical trauma). I was set free.

“Forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you MUST do.” Colossians 3: 13b

God delights in our obedience, especially when you obey Him in challenging times. You are positioning yourself for His blessings of peace and healing. That day my Savior gave me both. I have a joy that burns inside of me for what He has done for me.

He can do the same for you as well. Forgive, let it go. There you will find freedom… And forgiveness…

Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness. Where would we be without it? Help us Holy Spirit to choose forgiveness. We lay this request at your feet. You receive all the glory. In Jesus name.

Today’s post was written by Randi Stanton, who is a contributor for the Deeper Still Devotional Blog. Randi lives in Maumelle, Arkansas, and is married to Tom. She has two children, three stepchildren, and two gorgeous grandchildren. She also enjoys hiking in the mountains, playing with her dogs, reading and studying God’s Word. Randi serves on the Arkansas Deeper Still team. 

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.

When the Storm Rolls In

“Increased warfare and resistance should tell you one thing–You are getting close.” Nate Johnston

The storm has rolled in…

John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy.”

We have an enemy who wants to rob us of our joy, peace, and faith, but most of all our faith. 

You know the sweet summer storm that rolls in out of nowhere. You’re sitting on the back porch swing on a lazy summer evening. Then lightning streaks across a distant dark blue canvas and the sound of rolling thunder claps in the heavens. It is a wondrous sight to behold. One of my favorite things to do is watch a good storm, especially the unexpected ones that cool off the heat of a long hot summer day.

However calming and even peaceful those summer storms are, I am talking about another storm. One that comes gradually and unexpectedly.

But when these storms come, just as I can stay safe inside my home, I can rest in the goodness of my God knowing He is my refuge. 

When the enemy has roared so loudly that lies flash constantly across the skies of our minds, we can know the truth of the Light that is right behind those clouds.  We need to get directly in the face of the enemy and speak truth to those lies and command our souls to be at rest. 

We must remember who our God is, who our enemy is not, and who we are in Jesus. He is not as powerful as God. He is a toothless lion and his thunderous roar is hollow. He is a defeated foe. 

We must stay on guard and prepared. The Lord has given us weapons to fight with. Ephesians 6:10-20 instructs us on how we should fight: “Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may stand against the wiles of the devil.”

He gives us the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shod our feet with the gospel of peace, we have the shield of faith that quenches all the fiery darts of the wicked one, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit. We literally are totally covered for the battles we face. This is how we stand strong when the winds of life strike hard, tossing trouble into our worlds. 

We are to continually be in prayer. Ephesians 6:18, “praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, stay alert to this end with all perseverance.” Prayer changes things. Call on prayer warriors and get others praying with you. Prayer has been key to quieting a storm in my life.  I see blue skies breaking through and see the sun (Son) on the horizon. 

Worship. Worship. Worship. When all I want to do is sit and cry, I worship. This brings me peace and strength. Worship hushes the storm inside, replacing thunder with shouts of praise to the Holy One. He is my Prince of Peace, my calm in the storm. The storm that blew in that brought tumultuous downpours, leaving me begging for shelter, is no longer threatening when I get still and worship. My storm may still be there, but the difference is I am in the presence of the Lord–the One fighting my battles. 

Most of all let us remember who we belong to. We are God’s children. No weapon formed against us will prosper. We are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus our Lord. We are victorious due to the price Jesus paid on the cross. Let us not lose our faith in the One who gave it all for us. He stated, “It is finished.” We have overcome! To God be the glory! 

Lord, give us the courage to stand and help us to stay sober and vigilant in this race you have set before us. Thank you Lord that because of You, we can have peace and rest in the middle of a storm. Remind us of the armor that you have laid before us to use when we are in the heat of the battle. I am thankful that you stand beside us and fight our battles with us. We cannot do it without you Lord. You are worthy of all praise. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Today’s post was written by Randi Stanton, who is a contributor for the Deeper Still Devotional Blog. Randi lives in Maumelle, Arkansas, and is married to Tom. She has two children, three stepchildren, and two gorgeous grandchildren. She also enjoys hiking in the mountains, playing with her dogs, reading and studying God’s Word. Randi serves on the Arkansas Deeper Still team. 

Deeper Still is a ministry that offers free weekend retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to www.GoDeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.