“Those who look to Him are radiant; and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Psalm 34:5

Secrecy is a fearful place to be. We sit wondering, living in fear that one day someone will find out that ugly, shameful secret we are carrying around. Abortion. The dark little secret no one wants to talk about because of the scandal of it all.

As long as we think we have our sin safely hidden, the accuser will keep our hearts in bondage. The disadvantage of that bondage is that we continue to suffer in silence. We may look all put together on the outside, but inside we are living in emotional chaos. Freedom will be just out of our reach, although we long for it desperately.

James 5:16a states: “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.” I believe God’s word is quite clear about how we obtain our healing, our freedom. I went through a program, and one of the things they taught us is this: “We can not heal what we do not acknowledge.” This is why it is important to tell our story. Our secret.

I didn’t want others to know I had one abortion, let alone three. In my mind, one was shameful enough, but to admit to multiple abortions, well, I didn’t dare. So, in comes the uneasiness that someone closest to me (mainly my children) would find out and their perception of me would be marred. What would others think? The lie I was fed was this; “You’re an awful person for ending the lives of your children. Not one, but three, no way that secret is coming out.”

So, I ran and hid just like Adam and Eve. I was covered in shame. That humiliation affected every area of my life. Especially my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

It brought about a lack of intimacy with God. However, God came looking for me just as He did with Adam and Eve. He knew what was hidden behind the veil. I wasn’t hiding anything from Him. Jesus had already given His blood for me. He had already corrected my wrong. Who was really suffering here? Me.

It’s imperative that we bring the hidden sin into God’s glorious light. Proverbs 28:13a states: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, he who confesses and abandons them will find mercy.” I looked up “find mercy.” In the Hebrew it means this; “It’s a deep sympathy and sorrow felt for another struck with affliction, accompanied with a desire to relieve the suffering.” God so graciously chooses to have mercy on us and to alleviate our inner suffering.

When I chose to be transparent, my children and others didn’t love me less. I was met with compassion and forgiveness. God had prepared the way. He covers and protects us. We must trust Him to take care of those scary details.

Sharing our story brings a certain amount of freedom. Ignoring it and pretending you are okay will never allow your wounds to heal. It remains a hidden sin.

Psalm 34:5 states: “Those who look to Him are radiant; and their faces shall never be ashamed.” Go to God. Look to Him to be in the midst of your confession. Prayer beforehand is a must. God will surely bring peace into the situation. You can TRUST HIM in all things.

It is the beginning to receiving a complete healing and transformation in your life. It also brings about a more intimate relationship with God and your loved ones. Truly, it is about trusting Him with your uttermost secret. It is knowing that He will work this secret out for your good when you confess.

What He wants most for us is healing and freedom. Lean into the One who knows and loves you most. Jesus gives beauty from the ashes of abortion. He did it for me, He will definitely do it for you.

Jesus, thank you for bringing beauty where there were ashes. We praise you for your mercy, compassion and forgiveness of our sins. Thank you for the freedom you bring into our messes. Amen.

Deeper Still is ministry that offers free weekend healing retreats for women who have had abortions and the men who fathered children lost to abortion. If you have had an abortion and would like more information about our retreats, please go to DeeperStill.org to find a retreat close to you.