“Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope…You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.” Acts 2:26, 28
Father, we ask for the hearts of the participants of Deeper Still to be made glad, for their tongues to rejoice and for them to rest in Your hope. Father, we ask for You to show them the paths of life and fill them with the fullness of Your joy in Your presence. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
My eight year old daughter, Sarah, and I were walking together the other day. We circled the track raised above the gym while her brothers played basketball below. Just walking and talking.
As we talked, she shared how she was glad she was the only girl in the family. She explained that if she had a sister, she’d have to share her daddy at Father/Daughter dances and date nights. She loves her daddy. And she likes having her daddy all to herself.
Then, the conversation took a bit of a different turn when she changed direction and said, “BUT, if I had a sister, I would like to have a big sister already grown up. “
My heart toddled as her statement lingered in the air. I wanted to tell her, but knew the timing wasn’t right. What could I say? All I could say to my sweet eight year old girl through a genuine smile was, “Yes, that would be nice.”
But, what my heart wanted to express was…
Sarah, you do have a sister already grown up. Her name is Kori Danielle. She would have been twenty years old now. She is in heaven. She never had a chance to live. And I’m so sorry you don’t have that big sister here. I wish you did. But, someday you will get to meet her in heaven and I know you will be the best of friends. She loves you so much.
But, I couldn’t say that. Not yet. A time will come when I will tell her and my boys about their big sister. I will tell them about my “choice” and apologize through tears. But that day is not yet.
And someday we will be reunited again in heaven and Kori will run to me with open arms. But not yet.
There was a time when it was too painful for me to think about my daughter in heaven. There was a time when I completely blocked her from my memory or thoughts because I just couldn’t go there. The Lord used Deeper Still to heal that broken area of my heart. I can’t say I don’t ever get sad thinking about my daughter in heaven. That wouldn’t be true. There are times my heart does still grieve. But, I couldn’t even think about her before and now I can.
Now, I am free to think of my beautiful 20 year old daughter in heaven. I can think of her and smile. Someday we too will walk and talk and I will share all about her sister and brothers with her. Someday.
But for now, I can just picture her at Daddy/daughter dances in heaven dancing with her heavenly Father and be filled with joy knowing she is fully and completely loved. She loves her Daddy and dancing with Him. She loves her mommy as well.
And that is why I can rest in hope and be glad.